


Mom

by oursaviorkellinquinn



Category: Pierce the Veil, Sleeping With Sirens
Genre: Anxiety, BoyxBoy, Depression, M/M, Self Harm, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-17
Updated: 2020-09-04
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:20:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 41,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25961215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oursaviorkellinquinn/pseuds/oursaviorkellinquinn
Summary: Vic is new to Michigan because his dad thought he needed a “change of scenery.”Kellin immediately takes a liking to him, which is a major problem because he can’t get close to anyone. Especially not the cute Mexican boy.
Relationships: Kellic - Relationship
Comments: 4
Kudos: 13





	1. 1.

**Author's Note:**

> Bonjour bitches,  
> Im not sure when I’ll be updating this, how many chapters it will be, or where the story is going... with that being said I hope you enjoy watching it unfold as I write :)
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS FOR THIS WHOLE STORY:  
> Abuse  
> Sexual abuse  
> Self harm  
> Depression  
> BASICALLY IF YOU ARE CONCERNED ABOUT TRIGGERING CONTENT PLEASE FEEL FREE TO NOT READ THIS. IT’S OKAY, just be careful!
> 
> -Kiwi

~Vic pov~  
As I walk into my new school I already like it better than my old one. In San Diego the schools are huge and full of popular kids, but here in Michigan everything is much more chill.

I’ve already stopped by the front office for a map and my schedule and everything, so now I’m on the hunt for my locker before I have to get to my first class.

“124, 125, 126,” I mutter under my breath, finally locating the correct number.

It takes me a couple of tries to get the combination to work and I’m relieved when the door opens. I would hate having to ask for help with something this fucking simple.

I arrange a few books and move stuff around in my locker until I’m happy with the organization, deciding I should start looking for my first class. When I close my locker door someone is stand right behind it and they scare the shit out of me.

“Fuck!” I shriek, putting my hand over my heart.

The guy starts laughing.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I say politely, even though he should worry about it because I could have had a heart attack.

“I’m Justin, you must be new.”

“Yeah, I just moved here, I’m Vic.”

He smiles and starts walking beside me.

“Where do you need to go?” He asks, motioning towards my schedule.

“Uh, English? I think.”

“Cool, I’ll walk you there.”

“Thanks.”

“So where’d you move from?”

Shit, the dreaded questions.

“Um, San Diego.”

“Oh shit! Why’d you come here? San Diego has beaches and sunshine and hot babes!”

I can’t help but laugh, this guy is crazy but in a likable way.

“I’m just here staying with my cousin and her family for awhile.”

“That sounds...fun? I don’t know. I hope you like it here.”

“Me too,” I sigh.

He motions toward a door on our left and I thank him before going into the classroom.

I guess all schools are kinda the same in a few ways. They all have confusing hallways, boring classes, and grumpy teachers. By lunchtime I’m just about ready to give up and go home for a nap. I definitely can’t do that though because my cousin, Lucy, would flip her shit if she caught me skipping, but I can dream.

I walk into the cafeteria and get my food, glancing around and spotting Justin waving like crazy for me to come over. I smile and make my way to his table.

“Hey Vic, sit with us!” He says, scooting over to make room for me.

“Thanks,” I mumble, feeling a little uncomfortable with all these new people.

“Vic, that’s Jack, Nick, Kellin, and Lzzy. Everyone this is Vic, he’s from San Diego so he’s insane for moving here.”

What he doesn’t know is that I didn’t have a lot of say in the matter.

“Hi,” I say, looking around at everyone. They all seem really nice and friendly. The one with black hair, Kellin I think, is kinda hot. He’s sitting at the opposite side of the table from me, slid away from the others.

“We were just talking about Mrs. Brink, are you in her biology class?” Lzzy asks me. I’m so happy that they’re accepting me without any question that I can’t wipe the smile from my face. I was worried I had left all my friends at home just to be a sad loner here.

“I don’t think so, what’s she like?”

Kellin groans loudly and everyone laughs.

“She’s a major hippy and she’s got this long ass hair and all she ever talks about is how we need to be kind to planet earth. Like, we get it, we’re killing the planet, what can one measly class of seventeen year olds in Michigan do about it?” He says in a surprisingly high voice. It suits him.

“Yeah, and everyone thinks she’s a witch,” the blue haired boy adds. I’m pretty sure Justin said his name is Nick.

“Wow, I didn’t know people like that ever became teachers,” I comment.

Justin gets sucked into a conversation with Kellin so I focus on the gross food. It’s lasagna today which is slimy.

“You’ll learn pretty quickly to bring your own food if you actually want to eat.” Lzzy says, leaning over the table a little towards me so I can hear her.

“Yeah, this is pretty bad,” I chuckle.

“So why did you move here?”

“Um, well...” I decided that I didn’t want to hide this but now that someone has actually asked it’s much harder to admit than I anticipated. “My mom died last year.” 

“Oh shit,” she mutters.

I notice that the table is really quiet and when I glance up from my food everyone is looking at me. I feel blood rushing to my cheeks.

“I’m so sorry,” Lzzy says, putting her hand over mine for a second and smiling at me.

Like I said, I knew that I wanted to be open about this but it’s really hard to accept sympathy. 

“It’s okay,” I mutter, focusing my gaze on my tray again, hoping everyone will go back to their previous conversations. Most of them do but I notice that Kellin is intently looking at me anytime I turn my attention his way. 

Lunch is over too quickly and it’s time to suffer through my last few classes.

As I’m walking out of the cafeteria someone falls into step beside me. I look over and find Kellin smiling at me.

“Hey,” I chirp.

“Hey, I know this isn’t actually helpful in any way, but I’m really sorry about your mom. That’s, uh... that would be really hard.”

“Thanks,” I say quietly. 

“I’m Kellin.”

“Nice to meet you,” I smile, noticing just how gorgeous his eyes are. They’re green and blue swirled into the perfect color, but I bet they go gray in the right lighting.

Just then someone roughly bumps into Kellin’s shoulder. I don’t think much of it because we’re in a busy hallway, it was probably an accident, but Kellin’s eyes go wide and he quickly ducks into a bathroom we were passing.

Huh.

I wonder if I should check on him or wait for him, but knowing I don’t have much time to find my next class I decide to just keep moving.

I try to focus on Biology, which I have with Mrs. Brink who is absolutely a witch, but I keep thinking about Kellin. I wonder what happened in the hallway. Did that person hurt him when they ran into him? Was it a bully and he needed to hide? Most importantly, is it okay that I left him?

My question is answered when I see him in my next class, his eyes red and his shoulders tense, but at least he’s here.

“Are you okay?” I ask him, hoping I’m not overstepping a boundary. I just met him today but for some reason I feel...differently about him than the others.

He smiles like absolutely nothing is wrong. He has a beautiful smile.

“Yeah, for sure.”

I nod and turn around to face the front of the room.

“Yo Vic,” he says. 

“Yeah?”

“We all hang out at a Pierce’s Diner after school, you should come.”

“That sounds like fun but I can’t today. I promised my cousin that I would come straight home after school.”

“Oh shit, strict?”

She isn’t usually but I think she feels a lot of pressure because my dad is counting on her to straighten me up.

“Um, yeah, kinda.”

“Well, maybe tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll ask,” I say with a smile.

The rest of my lessons are fine but I am beyond happy to leave the building and walk home. I had a car back at home but my dad was scared to let me drive, so he let my little brother, Mike, keep it. I’m okay with walking while the weather is nice, but it’s gonna suck when I’m trudging through snow and ice this winter.

When I come in the back door of Lucy and Jake’s house I’m immediately bombarded with kids and questions. I have two nieces and a nephew, Emma is the oldest, then Lily, and JJ which is short for Jake Junior, is the youngest. Lily flings her arms around my legs and JJ does the same because he’s five and just wants to be like his big sister. Emma starts asking me a million things about my school because she wants to tell me about her first day too.

“Okay, okay, get out of here you little shit heads,” Lucy yells, shooing them away from me. She begins making some snacks for the kids, and probably me. “So how was your first day?”

I hang my backpack on a hook by the door and walk across the kitchen to sit on a stool at the breakfast bar.

“It was pretty good. All school is boring, you know?”

“Yeah. Did you meet anyone nice?” She asks, trying to seem nonchalant but I can tell she’s really worried that I’m gonna hate it here.

“Actually, yeah. This kid, Justin, kinda took me under his wing and introduced me to a few people.”

“Justin Hills?” She asks. Of course she would know him, everyone knows everyone around here.

“I don’t know.”

“Well he’s nice, comes from a really nice family.”

I nod, watching her slice an apple into thin sticks.

“They invited me to hang out with them after school at some diner. Would that be okay?”

“Yeah, sure. Thanks for asking.”

She slides me a plate of snacks which I eat with gusto since lunch was so gross. Once it’s gone I wander upstairs to my bedroom and flop on my bed. 

I’m glad today went good but I can’t help but wonder if this whole “change of scenery thing” is really what I need. I mean, just because I moved doesn’t mean I can’t find a razor blade and continue cutting.

I sigh at that thought and let my eyes close for a much needed nap.


	2. 2.

~kellin pov~  
I wake up to my alarm, the quiet pinging sound just loud enough for me to hear it. I don’t want to bother my mom with anything louder.

I sit up and immediately feel nauseous. One glance at the floor reveals that I finished a bottle of vodka last night and chased it was a couple of beers. No wonder I feel like shit, not that being hungover is new for me.

I drag myself to the bathroom where I shower, which burns my raw skin. Last night I took a really hot shower and vigorously scrubbed myself, trying to rid myself of the grungy feeling I’m plagued with. The harsh washing last night has left the skin on my stomach and thighs dry and red, nearly cracking open from how often I do that.

The bruises that litter my hips makes me nauseous so I get dressed as fast as possible, hiding my body under jeans and a t-shirt and a thick hoodie. I should probably use lotion or ointment or something, but I can’t stand to look at myself or touch myself that much.

I slip out of the house as quietly as possible, not putting on my shoes until I’m on the back steps. Anything to keep my mom asleep.

My head is pounding so I start walking to school and get a cigarette out of a pack that I got from my mom. I would say I stole it but she knows that I’m a heavy smoker and doesn’t care, she actually buys them for me sometimes. I light the small stick and put it between my lips, enjoying the burning I feel in my throat and chest.

I walk slowly because I left myself plenty of time. I try not to focus on my mom or my hangover, instead I think about that new kid. Vic. It’s a nice name. He seemed sweet and like he’ll fit in with my friend group. I just can’t get his smile out of my head. I can’t believe his mom is dead. Is he depressed? Mourning?

My cigarette is down to a tiny nub so I flick it aside and light another.

“Hey, Kellin!” A voice shouts from behind me. Well speak of the devil.

I turn and see Vic hurrying to catch up with me. I wonder where his cousin’s place is?

“What’s up Vic?” I ask, hoping my smoking doesn’t bother him. Nick always yells at me when I smoke around him but quitting is out of the question. I need it.

“Not much, just wishing I could have brought my car from back home.”

“Why didn’t you?”

His smile falters before he fixes it, leading me to believe the whole constantly happy think is probably an act. I mean who the hell can actually be cheery all the time?

“My dad thought I should leave it for my brother.”

I nod and take another drag, letting the smoke fill my lungs and numb me a little.

“Oh, I talked to Lucy, my cousin, and she says I can hang out with you guys after school!” He chirps.

“Awesome! It’s so much fun. We take over a booth down at Pierce’s diner and order junk food until they kick us out.”

He laughs, his eyes focusing on the smoke leaving my lips. I’m glad he doesn’t say anything about it though, like I previously mentioned, I don’t plan on quitting.

We walk in silence until we’re basically at the school. It’s not a weird silence but it’s not totally comfortable. I feel like I have so many questions for him but like so many of them are inappropriate and prying. I should be able to come up with something decent but my brain is clouded with a headache.

“God, I’m sorry for being so quiet, I’m just hungover as hell,” I apologize.

“You are?” He asks, seeming genuinely surprised and a little intrigued. I mean, we are only seventeen and this means that I was drinking on a Monday night.

“Yeah.”

“Did you go to a party or something?”

“Nope.”

“You just drank alone on a school night?”

I know, I know. It’s bad. I’m destroying my liver and my lungs and my life. Fucking whatever.

“It’s kinda a bad habit,” I say, scratching the back of my neck.

Alcohol is just another thing I self medicate with, much like the smoking. I light a third and lean against the side of the school. I’d be in a lot of trouble if a teacher caught me, but we’re early so they’re all inside.

“Looks like you have a couple bad habits.” He nods at my hand holding the little stick.

“Okay yeah, fine. How about you Victor? Any guilty pleasures?” I’m not sure if his name is Victor, but I assume so.

He adjusts his sweater, tugging the sleeves down into his hands and clamping them tight. Probably just because of the cold.

“Nah, not really. My dad is a tight ass cause he thought I was gonna go pro in soccer and my mom...couldn’t stand the smell of cigarettes.” He finishes quietly.

I don’t know if he wants me to say something or would rather I drop it, so I let the butt of my cigarette fall and I crush it under my foot.

“Let’s get inside, it’s cold out here.”

He nods and lets his shoulders relax, so I’m guessing I made a good decision with not pursuing that conversation.

We stroll to the main doors and Vic opens the door for me, making me smile a little. I wonder if he’s straight? 

I walk inside and he places his hand on the small of my back as he follows me.

Fuck.

My heart rate shoots up and I feel a wave of nausea roll through me. 

“Don’t.” I say quickly as I lunge out from under his touch and speed walk away, rushing to the nearest bathroom. 

He’s gonna think I’m such a freak. Or just an asshole for abandoning him like that.

I burst into the restroom and lock myself in a stall. Kneeling over the toilet I gag once but not enough to actually puke. My hands are shaking and sweaty, my heart not calming down at all. Maybe I’m actually having a heart attack.

Vic must not have seen where I went cause he definitely seems like he would follow me if he could.

So yeah, I absolutely cannot be touched. I can touch my own body sometimes but only in some places and no one else can. Most of my friends have learnt this about me and seem cool, but I’m am scared that Vic will try to figure me out. I don’t want figured out.

When I calm myself down I leave the stall and wash my hands, splashing some cool water on my face. 

I head out into the busy halls and stick to one side so that no one will bump me. Vic isn’t in my first class which is good, maybe he’ll just forget about the whole incident. 

By the time lunch rolls around I don’t even feel weird about seeing Vic. Sure I handled the whole situation poorly but he was gonna have to figure it out one way or another. All of my friends have their own stories. Nick tried to hug me and I ended up puking in an ihop parking lot. Lzzy tried to hold my hand while we ran across a busy street and I almost got hit by a bus. The most embarrassing was when Justin attempted to jump on my back for a piggy back ride and I freaked out so bad that he apologized for weeks.

Vic is already sitting with everyone when I reach our table and he smiles at me, somehow apologizing with his eyes. Damn, his eyes are pretty.

“Hey Kells,” Justin chirps, when I sit down. Lzzy and Nick scoot away, leaving a nice amount of space between us. I’m directly across from Vic and he definitely notices this movement. He looks from me to the empty spot between Lzzy and I before nodding to himself.

“Sup’ Justin?” I reply.

Everyone goes back to talking about some new band Jack is obsessed with and I eat my lunch. I only had time to grab a granola bar and an apple this morning, which isn’t much considering I skipped breakfast.

“Want some of this?” Vic asks me, sliding a container of chinese food towards me.

“Are you sure?” 

“Yeah, I told Lucy that the food here is gross and I swear she sent enough lunch for an army.” He says with a chuckle.

“She sounds awesome, thanks.” I chirp, taking a fork from Liz’s tray and digging in.

I’m surprised by how delicious it is. I haven’t had a home cooked meal in... months? Awhile ago I stayed at Jack’s house for a night and his dad cooked for us. Most the time I just eat snacks and fast food and every once in while, some dreaded cafeteria food.

“I’m really sorry about this morning, I didn’t know.” He says quietly which I’m thankful for even though I’m guessing he already asked the others about it.

“It’s fine, don’t stress.”

He nods and drops it.

The rest of my afternoon is fine. Mr. Iero held me after algebra because I’m failing it, but I just bullshitted my way through the conversation. Who gives a fuck about failing classes?

After school I pile in the front seat of Lzzy’s car and Vic gets in the back. I light a cigarette and roll down the window, thankful that she doesn’t care.

“I guess we’re the only ones hanging out today, Jack has to work and Justin is grounded.” She says, trying to get out of the crowded parking lot.

“What did Justin do this time?”

“Got caught with weed in his room again,” she says nonchalantly.

“Again?” Vic chuckles from the back seat.

I can’t help but laugh too. Only Justin is a big enough dumb ass to repeatedly get busted with drugs.

“A few months back he nearly burnt down their house with a joint!” I giggle.

“Holy fuck! How has he not been sent to juvie or something?”

I don’t think I’ve heard Vic curse yet and it brings a smile to my face. I was worried he was some stuck up prude that would rain on our parade, but I get the feeling he’s pretty relaxed. It’s not like we get up to anything awful, but I smoke and we all drink and a few of us do drugs. None of the others will stray away from pot but I’m known to do harder stuff sometimes. I guess I love being fucked up.

“His parents are really chill and I’m pretty sure they smoke weed themselves, so they just ground him sometimes and mostly look the other way.” Lzzy says, pulling into the diner.

We all go inside and get into a booth. I sit on one side all by myself and Vic and Lzzy share the other. I notice how their arms touch and I’m sure their thighs must be touching. Just the thought of contact like that makes me queasy. I’m jealous that they’re so...normal. But I’m also jealous that Lzzy can touch him that way. Damn it, no, I can’t like Vic. Lzzy can touch him however she damn well pleases. He’s probably straight anyways.

“What’s good here?” Vic asks, looking at a menu.

“Kellin always gets breakfast food, but I think the burgers are best. Jack is a fan of the chicken strips which everyone else thinks are gross.” Lzzy says, waving at our favorite waitress.

Valerie comes over and takes out her little notebook for orders.

“What’s up guys? What can I get you?” She asks. I’m super gay but I swear she’s the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. She’s really thin with all these beautiful tattoos and waist length, true red hair.

“I’ll have the pancakes and a glass of orange juice.” I say.

“I’m gonna have a burger with two orders of fries and a cherry coke,” Lzzy says next.

“And what about you?” Val asks Vic.

“I’ll have the same as Liz but just one order of fries.”

She nods and heads off toward the kitchen.

“You should have gone with pancakes,” I say teasingly.

“I’ll have to try them next time,” he laughs, blushing a little.

“So do you know how long you’re gonna be here, Vic?” Lzzy asks.

He shakes his head.

“Definitely for this school year, maybe over the summer.”

“Why didn’t your brother come with you?” I question.

“What?”

“Earlier you said that you left your car in San Diego for your little brother. Why didn’t he come here too?”

Vic’s eyes cloud over a little even though he’s still smiling. I wish he would be real with me and drop the perfect act.

“Oh, um, he just took...everything...last year, better so um, yeah, and I guess I...didn’t...” He stammers.

“That’s okay, you don’t need to feel embarrassed or anything.” I say, trying not to bring down the whole conversation. I know that I just met him but I want him to know that he can feel comfortable around me and the others.

He just nods as Val shows up with our food.

We thank her and the others dig in. I take a drink off the top of my juice and pull a flask from my back pack, quickly pouring some vodka into the glass.

“Kell,” Liz sighs.

“What?”

“It’s like four in the afternoon.”

“Just... don’t, please?” I say quietly.

She nods and picks up her burger. I dig into my pancakes and steal some of her fries, which is why she orders extra.

“Alright boys, I promised Arejay I’d be home at a decent time to hang out today,” Lzzy says, digging in her purse for money.

We all pay and wave to Val before getting back in the car.

“Vic, where’s your place? I’ll drop you off first.”

“It’s at the end of 16th street, down in the wooded area.”

“Your cousin is married to Jake Pitts?” I ask, not surprised that I know them.

“Yeah.”

We drive a little ways and when we get close Vic leans up between our seats.

“Turn up there,” he directs, pointing at a gravel driveway.

When he stretches his arm out his sleeve slides up and I see a few horizontal scars on his wrist. He cuts? Lzzy is driving so she doesn’t see, but I can’t stop looking. He’s such a good two shoes that I definitely didn’t expect it. Vic realizes what I’m looking at and sits back in his seat, ripping his sleeve down. So that’s why he holds them in his hands...

We pull up to a really beautiful house and I’m suddenly thankful to Lzzy that she didn’t drop me off first. My house isn’t too bad but we never mow the yard and it looks like shit.

“Thanks guys, see you tomorrow,” he says while basically diving out of the car.

The door slams and Liz raises her eyebrows at me. 

“What the hell got into him?”

I know that he wants to keep this a secret so I just shrug.

“I don’t know.”

She drops me at my house next and I slide inside quietly. I take off my shoes and tiptoe to my room, shutting the door slowly so it doesn’t creak. Hopefully my mom didn’t hear me.

I put in headphones and listen to music, texting Justin for awhile before I put on pajamas for bed. I lay under the covers but can’t sleep. Vic is on my mind again. Is he suicidal? Does someone else know that he hurts himself? Should I help him? Who the hell am I to help anyone, I’m a fucking disaster. 

I need a cigarette. I get out of bed and find a pack in my jeans before ghosting through the house and out the back door again. I plop on the stairs and smoke a couple, trying to calm my brain down enough to sleep.

When I go back inside I lose the grip on my bedroom door and it shuts louder than I meant it to.

No.

I stand perfectly still.

Nothing.

Then I hear footsteps and my mom comes in. I back up until I’m against the wall.

“Oh good, you’re home. I needed you,” she says, shutting the door behind her.


	3. 3.

~vic pov~  
“I’m going to hang out with Justin and everyone!” I shout as I leave the house.

“Have fun!” Lucy replies.

She still has this idea that Justin Hills comes from a great family and therefore, all of my new friends are a great influence. I mean, they’re really nice and I love them, but “great influence” would be pushing it. To be fair I’ve only been here for about a month and the only person I’ve brought around is Lzzy because I wanted to show her my cd collection. I’m thinking I should keep it that way and not risk one of the others making a bad impression on Lucy.

I make the short walk to Jack’s house and knock on the door. I love living in a small town because all of my friends live within walking distance of me. Granted, I’ve never been to Kellin’s place but he walks to school every day so it has to be nearby.

“Vic’s here!” Nick yells as he opens the door.

“Yo Viccy!” Justin shouts, making me roll my eyes at the ridiculous nickname.

I follow Nick into the living room where everyone is sprawled out. Lzzy’s goofing off on a piano in the corner, Justin is laying on a couch with bong on the floor next to him, Kellin is is cross legged in a chair holding a drink, and Jack is nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s our host?” I ask. Jack invited us all because his parents are out of town for the weekend.

“I think he went to buy some more pot from a friend.” Justin says. His eyes are red and he seems super stoned already. It’s only two in the afternoon and I wonder how fucked up he’ll be by tonight.

“Is he buying from Ronnie?” Kellin asks, setting his drink aside.

“I think so, they were meeting behind the gazebo down at the park. That’s usually Radke’s place.” Justin replies.

Kellin stands up and heads for the door.

“Hey, where the hell are you going?” Lzzy yells.

“I’ll be back, gotta grab something from Ronnie.”

The door slams and Liz sighs.

“What?” I ask, taking the chair Kellin just vacated.

“Nothing, Kellin always does this when we all hang out alone.”

“What’s he doing?”

“Our boy just went to by drugs or something,” Justin mutters.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, he usually just sticks to the smoking and you’ve probably noticed that he’s basically an alcoholic, but sometimes he’ll take ecstasy or whatever he can get his hands on. It scares the shit outta me.” She sighs.

I don’t wanna upset her so I stop asking questions, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering. Why would Kellin do that? He should just smoke some weed and get high like the rest of us. There’s no reason to fuck yourself up with other shit.

Jack comes back with Kellin in tow. He bought a decent supply of marijuana for us but Kellin won’t tell anyone what he has. 

The afternoon is pretty low key. We smoke and Jack mixes some drinks, warning us that nobody is allowed to get trashed. He says that we’re supposed to have fun, not accidentally die.

As the sun sets and the day slips into evening Justin claims he’s getting bored. We’ve moved to the basement which is a big family room with a tv and a pool table.

“Let’s play a game or something,” he suggests.

“Like what?” Kellin asks, fighting back a hiccup. I have a feeling that he’s had more than his fair share of booze but Jack seems to be okay with it. We all know that he can hold his alcohol.

“Truth or dare!” Lzzy shouts.

“Okay, but I get to make the rules,” Justin says, already grinning.

“Fine, tell us the rules,” Liz grumbles.

“Gather round, gather round,” he yells, motioning for us to sit with him on the floor. We manage form a rough circle that’s actually closer to a oval but he doesn’t seem to care.

“This game is gonna be called truth or drink! Someone asks you a question and you have to answer or take a drink of...your drink...I don’t give a fuck.”

“Alright fine, but not weird questions,” Jack says.

“No!” Justin exclaims, frowning at Jack. “ONLY weird questions! Sexual is the best, but anything uncomfortable will do.”

Jack groans, making us all laugh.

“Alright, someone ask Justin something to get this rolling,” Kellin says with an evil smirk.

“I will!” Nick volunteers. “Um, okay, have you ever jacked off to hentai?”

Justin’s face goes a little red but he’s still smiling. 

“Yeah, I had to try it out and it wasn’t bad!”

Everyone laughs and teases him for a minute before he makes us all shut up to continue the game. I didn’t realize he’d be such a hard ass when it came to something like this.

“Vic! The newby of the group!”

I’m already worried about what he’s gonna ask me. This could end badly in so many different ways.

“Have you ever...kissed a boy?”

I’m so relieved that I actually laugh.

“Yeah sure, I’m pansexual.”

“Wait, you are?” Kellin asks.

I nod and Lzzy leans over to hi five me.

“Dude, I’m bisexual and Kellin’s gay! Why haven’t we talked about this?”

“I don’t know,” I chuckle, blushing when I realize that it wouldn’t be weird for me to have a crush on Kellin. “Okay, my turn.”

I look around. I really want to ask Kellin something because I’m intrigued with so many different parts of his life , but I don’t want to ask him some pervy question. 

“Jack, have you ever fucked someone on your parent’s king size bed?”

Everyone goes “ooo” and Justin nudges him.

“I haven’t but only because there are so many family pictures in there. I can’t get it up with my parents staring at me.”

Everyone agrees that it would be weird.

“I choose Kellin!” Jack announces. “Are you a virgin? I mean with the whole “no touchy” thing I guess you’d have to be!” He says jokingly. No one laughs. I look at Kellin and he’s smiling but it looks forced.

“N-no,” he stutters, clearing his throat. “I’m definitely not a virgin.”

“Way to go Jack, you ruined the game you asshole.” Justin mutters.

“No I didn’t! It was a sexual question!”

“Sure, but you sounded like an asshole. His phobia isn’t something to throw in his face like that,” Lzzy snaps.

While everyone is bickering Kellin slips away. I don’t say anything because I think he might need some space.

“Fine, fine! I’ll apologize!” Jack says, sounding exasperated. 

“Wait, where’d he go?” Justin asks.

“He went upstairs,” I chirp.

“Fuck, I’ll find him,” Jack mutters, hoisting himself off the floor on unsteady feet and disappearing upstairs.

I get off the floor and lay on one of the couches. It’s late and I’m kinda drunk so I let my eyes fall shut. I only rest for a second before screaming upstairs jolts me awake.

“What the fuck Kellin? You can’t do that here!”

I glance at Lzzy and she looks scared. We rush upstairs and find Jack standing in the hallway, holding a small bag of white powder and Kellin laying on the bathroom floor, sobbing.

“What did you do?” Liz snarls at Jack.

“He’s snorting cocaine in my bathroom Liz, what the fuck do you think I did?”

“Did you touch him?” She asks quietly, probably hoping she won’t upset Kellin by talking about him while he’s right there. Venom is dripping from her words and Jack looks guilty.

“I-I grabbed his wrist. I was just getting the drugs from him.”

“Fuck!” She yells, shoving his chest. “Go away, Vic and I will try to help.”

Jack leaves without another word and I watch Lzzy go into the bathroom sitting near Kellin on the floor.

“Hey, Kells, are you listening to me hon?”

“Yeah,” he sobs, vigorously trying to dry his face.

“I made Jack go away.”

Kellin doesn’t reply, he just keeps gasping for air around sobs and trying to wipe away the tears flowing from his eyes.

“He feels bad that he touched you, he was just worried and he didn’t think about it.”

“I-I know.”

“Are you gonna throw up?”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

He seems to be calming down but he doesn’t make any effort to get off the floor.

“Can you try to sit up?”

He covers his face with his hands and seems to gain control of his breathing. After a minute he presses his palms against the tiled floor and pushes himself into a sitting position. He scoots back and rests his back against the wall.

Lzzy joins him but keeps a large space between them. I timidly sit beside her because I don’t know what else to do. Most the time you comfort people with hugs or some kind of touch so I don’t know what her plan is.

“Why were you doing coke?”

Kellin sighs.

“I bought it from Radke earlier... just wanted to try it out.”

“Why?” I ask on accident. “Sorry, you don’t have to answer that,” I murmur.

“I...I just wanted to let go for the night. Everyone else can get high and have a couple beers and feel great, but that doesn’t cut it for me anymore.”

Lzzy looks really sad. I’m sure it would be hard to see your teenage friend basically become an alcoholic. I wonder when he started drinking?

“I’m sorry Kells, but you can’t get mixed up with drugs like that. We won’t let you.”

“I know, I’m sorry too.”

“It’s okay, how about you go outside and smoke for awhile and then we’ll all go to bed. I bet you’ll feel better in the morning.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” he agrees.

He gets up and leaves the bathroom, a second later we hear the back door slam.

“I’m gonna go down and talk to Jack,” Liz says, struggling to stand up in the cramped space.

I just nod. I want to talk to Kellin. I don’t know if he needs to be alone, but I hope not as I find myself going outside to look for him.

He’s on the back deck, his legs dangling over the edge. It’s too dark to see much of anything so I’m not sure what he’s looking at. There’s the glowing cherry of a cigarette in his hand and I suddenly want to make him stop. I want him to stop destroying himself like this. 

I heave a sigh and sit next to him, leaving a couple of feet between us.

“Why can’t you be touched?” I ask, finally just letting myself pry. Kellin is a big boy, if he doesn’t want to answer something then he’ll speak up.

“Um, my therapist used to say it was a control thing.”

“What’s that mean?”

“Like, I can’t control...parts of my life, so I desperately cling to this one thing. Except I don’t know if that’s really it because I want to be touched, I just can’t stomach it.”

“Oh.” He wants to be touched. “I didn’t know you’re in therapy.”

“I’m not anymore. My mom says we can’t afford it.”

“That sucks.”

He just hums and continues smoking. He’s started his second cigarette and has the pack sitting next to him. I wonder how many he smokes a day. He’s so young to be a chain smoker.

I hadn’t even noticed that he brought a drink out with him until he tilts a bottle of tequila up to his lips. He doesn’t flinch at the taste.

“Why do you drink so much?” I blurt out, already regretting it. I’m being a nosy asshole and he just went through something traumatic.

“Why do you cut yourself?” He shoots back. I can’t see his face but I’m sure he looks smug.

“I deserved that. I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m not kidding, why would you do that?”

I suddenly feel so tired. I wish he had never seen my scars.

“It’s just something I’ve done for a long time, but it got worse last year. My dad is convinced I started after my mom died but it was way before that.”

“That’s why he sent you away.”

“Yeah.”

“And why he wouldn’t let you drive.”

“Yep.”

We sit in silence for awhile and I start worrying about developing lung cancer from his secondhand smoke.

“I drink to forget. It’s a shitty way to self medicate because I’m hungover all the time, but it’s worth it.”

He doesn’t give me time to reply before he gets up and goes in the house.

What’s he trying to forget? I can’t believe anything too bad is happening in his life, but once I start thinking about it I realize that I don’t know anything about Kellin. I think he lives with his mom but I don’t know where his house is or if he has siblings. Did his dad leave or die? Kellin has this relaxed aura that makes you trust him but he doesn’t seem to trust anyone himself.

I get up and go back in the house, feeling far more sober than I was an hour ago.

I wander to the basement and Jack says I can choose a bedroom or a couch to crash on. I feel weird invading his house so I just go upstairs and flop on a sofa in the living room. 

One minute I’m stressing about Kellin and all of his “habits” and the next minute my eyes are blinking awake. The sun is just starting to rise, but since the living room doesn’t have curtains the light already woke me up. 

I sit up and flinch at the ache pounding through my skull. I decide to go to the kitchen and find some water and hopefully painkillers. Lzzy is sitting at the small table in the corner of the kitchen, sipping coffee and typing something on her phone.

“Hey,” I croak.

“Morning, did the sun wake you up?”

I nod and start opening cabinets to find a glass.

“Yeah it’s a bitch like that,” she laughs.

I finally come across a mug and call it good enough, I fill it with cold water and take a big drink.

“What are you doing up?” I ask her. The clock on the stove tells me it’s only eight in the morning.

“I’m a morning person,” she states simply. “Is that your phone?” She asks, pointing to a phone on the counter.

“Um yeah, why?” 

“I found it on the floor downstairs and you have like eight million texts from Lucy and Jake.

“Fuck! I didn’t tell her I was staying overnight,” I curse, quickly glancing at the texts and getting the gist. I’m in trouble. “I gotta go,” I mumble, trying to remember where I took off my shoes.

Five minutes later I’ve rounded up all of my shit and I bolt out the back door. I almost stumble over Kellin who’s sitting on the steps that lead off the deck.

“See you later,” I say quickly as I descend the stairs beside him.

He doesn’t say anything or I don’t hear it, I’m not sure. I basically jog home, only slowing down when I make it to my driveway. 

I was so dumb to not keep Lucy updated, she’s probably worried sick by now. She would usually be more chill but like I’ve said before, my dad has really high expectations for her parenting skills right now.

I come in the kitchen door and see two very grumpy faces. Lucy looks a little relieved but Jake looks pissed.

“Where the hell have you been?” She says, rushing over and hugging me. I didn’t expect it so it’s a little awkward.

“I-I’m so sorry guys, I got distracted and forgot to text and tell you I was staying over. I was just at Jack’s the whole time.”

“We were up all night worrying about you,” Jake says.

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, it’s fine.” Lucy says, although I don’t know if she’s reassuring me or herself. “This is the first problem we’ve had and it was all just a mistake. Please be more conscientious? For my sake?” She pleads.

“Yeah, of course. It’ll never happen again,” I say truthfully.

“How about you hang out here today?” Jake suggests, probably worried I’m gonna run off with friends and he’ll be up all night again.

“Sure, I’ll spend some time with the kids,” I offer.

They both nod and I head towards the bathroom. I need a shower and a nap, but the second thing will have to wait, I guess I have some kids to entertain.


	4. 4.

~kellin pov~  
It’s the morning after my little “truth or drink” meltdown and I’m dreading how everyone is going to treat me today. They’re gonna give me twice as much space as I need and look at me with big sympathetic eyes. I don’t need sympathy, I need to not be touched. I couldn’t believe it last night when Jack, the fucking dad of our group, grabbed my wrist like he had no clue he was crossing a boundary. I guess it was just continuing my shitty experiences with father figures.

I’m on my fourth cigarette of the morning trying to forget what it felt like to have his hand on me. The panic had gripped my lungs so tight that I couldn’t breathe and the nausea hit me like a freight train. Jack should consider himself lucky I didn’t puke all over him and his bathroom.

I light another cigarette off the end of my current one and flick the butt aside right as the back door opens. Vic goes running down the stairs with a quick “see you later” as he races down the driveway.

I didn’t have time to reply to him but I wouldn’t have anyways. Our little conversation about drinking and cutting and therapy last night really opened my eyes. I need to be careful about being too open with Vic. He makes me want to be vulnerable and he pulls secrets from me without even trying, which cannot happen. I absolutely cannot let him worm his way into my life. That’s why I’ve decided to seriously cool off our relationship. No more friendly walks to school, no more crushing on his pretty eyes or smile, and definitely no more heartfelt conversations.

It sucks that the one time I like a boy that isn’t straight, I can’t date him. I laugh grimly at myself. How the fuck would I date someone? Dating means holding hands and kissing and...sex. Nope, no dating for me. No Vic.

My plan goes surprisingly well. For the next couple weeks I’m sure to avoid Vic like the plague except for obvious times like during lunch. I try to sit as far from him as possible and keep conversations rolling with other people so that I don’t risk talking to him. Of course it’s not a perfect system and we still chit chat sometimes at the diner or when all of us hang out on the weekends, but I’m happy to report that there’s no danger of him prying secrets from me anymore. I hope.

One afternoon we’re all at our usual lunch table and I’m, unfortunately, sitting next to Vic. I had been called to the principal’s office for skipping every single gym class so far this year, so I was late to lunch. 

Vic gives me a nice amount of space and I’m talking to Nick about a girl he likes so that I’m not drawn into a conversation with the gorgeous boy next to me. No, fuck, not gorgeous. I mean, he is, but I can’t think about it.

“And then I smiled at her and she smiled back when we were in the parking lot yesterday. Do you think that means she likes me or is just friendly?” Nick asks, over analyzing everything like a lovesick girl.

“I don’t know man, why don’t you actually talk to her and feel it out?”

“Yeah, I’m just nervous...”

Beside me Vic reaches across the table and tries to hit Justin or something but he’s not quick enough and Justin grabs his arm, playfully shoving it away.

The boys are laughing as Vic sits back down but something catches my eye. There’s something staining the sleeve of Vic’s tie dyed hoodie. Unless you’re sitting in my seat you probably wouldn’t notice it, but I do immediately. It’s blood. This must mean that Vic cut again. I thought he was supposed to stop while he was here? Is that how it works? 

I calmly take my phone out of my pocket and pull up Vic’s contact, texting him.

Kellin: Your arm is bleeding.

Vic must feel his phone vibrate or something cause he reaches back and takes it out of the pocket of his jeans. He looks confused at first, glancing at me before he opens it. He goes still before he abruptly stands up. Way to play it cool dumb ass.

He tries to put on casual a air as he excuses himself and speed walks toward the hall.

“Where’s he going?” Lzzy says.

“Probably to take a shit,” Justin says, nicely covering for Vic without even knowing it. The guys laugh and Liz makes a disgusted face.

“Hey, I’ve gotta stop by Mr. Iero’s room before class, I’ll catch you guys later,” I lie. Sometimes it makes me sick how easy lying is. I love my friends yet I rarely tell them the whole truth about anything.

I go to the nearest bathroom and push open the door, finding Vic standing at the sink. He has his sleeve rolled up but tries to keep his arm hidden while he waits to see who comes in. I smile at him and internally scold myself. What the fuck do I think I’m doing? I shouldn’t be in such an intimate situation with him, yet here I am. Honestly I just want to make sure he’s okay.

He sighs when he sees me and stops hiding his arm, running a paper towel under the faucet and trying to dab the blood away from a few cuts on his wrist. There’s probably five fresh ones, a dozen scabbed over, and countless scars.

I step closer and see that the fresh ones must have been closed up until Justin roughly grabbed Vic’s arm. The wounds look red and angry, the skin puffy around them.

“Wow, those don’t look so good,” I say, leaning against the sink Vic isn’t using.

“Nah, they’ll be fine,” he mutters, taking a dry paper towel and holding it against them, I guess to make them stop bleeding. “Um, thanks...you know, for like, warning me.”

“No problem, I’ve gotten the vibe you don’t want everyone to know.”

“You’ve definitely got the right vibe. Whenever someone finds out they treat me differently, like I’m gonna kill myself at any moment. Well, I guess not everyone, you haven’t treated me like that.”

I nod and stand there awkwardly. I don’t know what the hell I’m waiting for, I should bolt before this becomes some bonding experience.

“Would you ever want to hang out...like...just us? I just really like you and we’ve never done that before,” he says quickly. He seems nervous and he won’t look me in the eye.

See? I should have escaped while I had the chance.

“Well...y-yeah. I guess we could do that,” I say, leaving it vague so hopefully it never happens. I mean, I desperately want it to happen because I want to spend time with Vic and learn about him and live happily ever after together, but I know that this relationship will only end in disaster.

“Cool, I’m free tomorrow after school or anytime this weekend.”

Fuck.

“Tomorrow works for me,” I hear myself say. No, those words didn’t have permission to leave my mouth.

“Cool, we can just hang at my place if you want,” he offers.

“Yeah, sounds like a plan.”

He smiles and removes the paper towel from his wrist, inspecting it before he rolls down the sleeve.

“We should get to class,” he says.

I just nod and leave the bathroom.

The next afternoon I find myself knocking on the door to Vic’s house even though every muscle in my body is screaming for me not too. I shouldn’t be here, this is a bad idea, I shouldn’t get close to Vic. The door swings open and a really hot guy with black hair and arms full of tattoos is standing there. He looks me over a little disapprovingly.

“Hi, I’m, um, here to see Vic,” I say shyly. Hot guys make me act weird.

“Come on in.”

He turns and walks into the house so I follow behind. We pass through a beautiful hallway and living room, both painted light colors but contrasted with dark flooring. Jake takes me down another hallway and finally stops at a door, knocking lightly.

“Vic, Kellin Quinn is here to see you.”

Of course he knows me. I wish he didn’t cause I don’t have the best reputation.

I hear scrambling and then Vic is in front of me. 

“Come on in, sorry, I didn’t hear you at the front door,” Vic says quickly.

Jake has a prominent scowl on his face which Vic seems to notice. I join him in his bedroom and try to ignore the quick whisper argument a they have.

“I thought you said you had nice friends?”

“I do have nice friends!”

“I know that boy, he’s a bad influence and I’m not sure I want him in my house.”

“Stop Jake, he’s right there!”

Jake leaves with heavy footsteps and Vic turns to me.

“Sorry, I don’t know what got up his ass.”

“It’s okay, most parental figures don’t like me.”

“Why?”

Damn it Vic, stop asking so many questions.

“Um, I don’t have the best reputation.”

A smile breaks out on Vic’s lips because I’m sure he thinks I’m like Justin, doing dumb and annoying stuff all the time that eventually gains you the label of a “troublemaker.”

“Stop smiling, they’re not funny stories,” I grumble. Great, now I look like an asshole.

“Oh, sorry,” he says, a blush taking over his cheeks.

“It’s okay.”

“You can still tell me, you know? You don’t have to but I like it when you’re honest with me.”

Why does he make me want to be honest? I’ve never had a problem keeping secrets and just joking around with my friends all the time but now this hot Mexican boy waltzes in and I can’t keep my mouth shut? That’s not fair. But it’s the truth, no matter how much I try to close him off and push him away, I want to be honest with him. I’ll just have to be careful about a few things. I need to keep certain walls up.

He sits on the edge of his bed but that feels too intimate for me, so I plop cross legged on the floor, finally glancing around his room. It’s obvious that he’s just staying in a guest bedroom cause there’s boring art on the light gray walls and a few school things in neat stacks on the desk. I bet he has a really badass room back in San Diego.

He’s still looking at me expectantly, so I sigh and give him an abridged version of my fucked up life.

“Everyone knows that my dad left when I was young and then they watched me be a shit head in school and eventually start smoking and drinking and um, well there was the suicide attempt...”

“Oh shit, I’m sorry Kells.”

The nickname sends butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

“It’s fine, it’s whatever. But yeah, I don’t have the greatest track record and since this is such a small town, everyone knows all about it.”

“That would be really hard, back where I grew up nobody knew each other unless you went to the same school or church or whatever.”

I nod, feeling quiet and kinda restless.

“D-do you...never mind,” he stammers uncomfortably.

“What?”

“Are you still suicidal?” He asks with huge eyes.

I have to think about it, is that bad? When I attempted, some really bad stuff had just gone down at home and I was overwhelmed and tried to overdose. I was only eleven years old.

“I don’t think so,” I admit. “Obviously I don’t take great care of myself but I wouldn’t attempt again. I was just young and stupid.”

“But you’re young right now,” Vic says.

“Yeah well I was even younger then. How about you? Should I worry that you’re gonna do something stupid?”

He looks away from me, a frown falling onto his features. I only want to see this boy smile but I constantly seem to make him sad. That’s a common occurrence in my life.

“No, you really don’t.”

I can feel a million secrets and unspoken words between us but I know that if I push him further that he’ll do the same for me.

“Can we go outside?” I blurt out.

“Uh, sure?”

“I just- I feel all... I need a cigarette.”

“Okay, come on.”

He leads me through the house again and out the back door. Their house backs up to a pond and they have a beautiful view. We sit on the edge of the deck, much like we did at Jack’s, and I pull out my current pack. I smoked a few on the way here and I thought I’d be able to make it through my visit, but stressful situations make me crave the calm that comes with nicotine.

“It’s really beautiful back here,” I say, blowing the smoke away from Vic.

“Yeah, I actually really like being in the timber like this. My family’s house back home was in the middle of the city.”

“Do you miss your family there?”

“Yeah, I miss my brother, Mike, a lot, we used to hang out and play music all the time.”

“That sounds fun.”

He nods, a smile playing on his lips like he’s imagining the good old days.

“So you just live with your mom?”

I cough a little and will myself to keep a normal expression on my face.

“Y-yeah.”

“That’s cool, are you close?”

“In some ways.”

We sit for awhile and he lets me smoke a couple. I love how he dresses, he’s in tight black jeans and a oversized hoodie. I want to cuddle him and bury my face in his chest. I want so badly to touch him yet I know I couldn’t even if he would let me. 

“Vic are you smoking out here?” Lucy says, coming out into the deck, probably following the sight of smoke.

“No, Lucy this is Kellin.”

“Oh! Um, hi. I was just gonna ask if Vic could watch the kids while Jake and I run to the store, but I won’t bother you guys.”

“I still can, is that okay Kell?”

Again with the shortening of my name, he’s gotta stop that.

“Yeah, sure.”

Lucy disappears and I put out my third cigarette, standing up. Vic stands too and I notice for the first time that I’m taller than him. He’s got this confidence that makes him seem taller than me. He seems better than me in almost every way. I can feel my shoulders slouch and my mood drop. Why is everyone better than me? I’m such trash.

“Hey, you okay?” He asks, his hand lifting a little like he’s gonna rest it on my arm before he drops it. 

“Totally,” I lie.

Vic looks like he doesn’t believe me but he doesn’t push it. We go back in the house and I notice that Vic kinda stands in front of me, almost as a barrier, when we enter the living room. 

There are three kids, two girls and a boy. The two smaller ones literally fling themselves at Vic and I suddenly understand why he was protecting me.

“Lily, JJ, Emma, this is my friend Kellin. He doesn’t want you to touch him, okay? Please be careful. Kellin these are my nieces and nephew.”

“Hi,” I chirp with a small wave.

“Why don’t you want us to touch you? Is it cause we’re kids? Will it give you a rash?” Emma asks.

I laugh a little.

“No, it just makes me feel sick.”

“Ohhhh, like when mommy eats wheat?” The younger girl, Lily I think, chimes in. 

“Sure, kinda like that.”

Vic is smiling at me while I interact with the kids and it’s making my heart do funny things. So what if I’m nice to kids? I know it’s sweet to some people but I think it’s common decency. Every kid wants the cool teenager to like them and be nice to them.

We play a few games and watch a lame kid’s show for awhile and JJ is surprisingly clingy to me. He seems to hang off of every word I say even though he can’t be older than three or four. He talks about trucks and shows me all his toy cars and makes me play them with him. I’ll admit that I have never been super good at being a boy. I’ve known I was gay for a really long time so I preferred playing with dolls that I could put pretty dresses on and makeup. I don’t wish I was a girl, I’m perfectly fine with my gender, I just never liked boy things.

“Alright we’re home!” Lucy yells from the back door.

“I should probably get going,” I say, standing from the couch.

“I don’t want you to leave!” JJ whines.

“It’s okay buddy, he’ll come back and play with you again soon.”

“I want to play now!” He cries.

“Kellin can’t stay here forever, he’s gotta go home.”

“No!” He yells, flying towards me and locking his little arms and hands around my waist.

My sweatshirt bunches up and he makes contact with my skin, making this whole situation even worse and causing my stomach to turn into a pit.

“JJ, no! Don’t touch him!” Vic yells grabbing the little boy and easily pulling him away from me.

My hands are shaking and it feels as though he’s still clutching me, holding me in place, preventing me from moving freely.

“Fuck, I’m so sorry Kellin. Are you okay?”

I think one of the kids scolds him for his language, but everything sounds like it’s underwater. I don’t want to scare the kids so I just shake my head, desperately holding back tears.

“Where’s your bathroom?”

Vic quickly shows me the way and I don’t even make him leave, knowing I don’t have time. He shuts the door behind us as I kneel over the toilet and gag. 

“Oh my god, shit, I’m so sorry.” He says, horror lacing his voice.

I can’t get the feeling out of my mind. Hands grabbing me, they’re all over, holding me down.

I gag again and vomit into the toilet bowl.

Hands hands hands hands.

I squeeze my eyes shut, tears falling rapidly, and make an effort to take deep breaths. People accidentally touch me often at school so I’ve gotten used to the process of calming myself down but it’s really unpleasant. I go through stages of feeling sick and panicky and like I might be having a heart attack.

“I’m gonna get you a glass of water, just, stay here.”

I think I’m done being puking, so I wipe the tears off my face, embarrassed that Vic has seen me cry twice now. I sit back and cross my legs, resting my arm on the toilet seat and my forehead on top of it. Yes I’m aware this is gross but I’m suddenly exhausted.

Vic appears in front of me holding a cup which he sits on the floor, not risking our hands brushing together. I take a drink and it’s really refreshing on my burning throat.

“Do you feel better?” He asks.

“A little. I’m sorry,” I murmur.

He sits on the floor near me, still looking very shaken up.

“You don’t need to apologize, it was my fault, we shouldn’t have babysat.”

“No, really it’s fine, I had a good time today. The kids are nice, I didn’t freak them out, did I?”

“I don’t think they even realize anything happened.”

“Good, I tried to be chill.”

I rest my head again on my arm/toilet pillow and let my eyes close.

“Do you want to take a nap in my bed?” Vic offers.

Yes yes yes, one thousand times yes I would like that. Being snuggled up in Vic’s scent and sleeping without any fear of being harshly woken up? That sounds like heaven.

“N-no. I’m fine. I should get home, but thanks.” I mumble.

“Sure.”

I get up and again, notice Vic almost reach out to help me before withdrawing his hand. I’m such a freak, nobody ever knows how to deal with me.

I wash my hands and splash water on my face. When I glance in the mirror I just see lackluster skin, and dark circles under my eyes. I look like shit.

When we reach the front door I’m eager to leave. I desperately need a drink.

“Thanks for having me, sorry again about... you know.”

“Don’t worry about it, I had a good time.”

He brightly smiles at me with his adorable small tooth and plump lips, I can’t help but smile back.

“See you later,” I say as I open the door.

“See ya.”

I pull the door shut door behind me and start walking home. It feels like it takes forever and by the time I’m standing in the kitchen of my house, my need for alcohol has only gotten worse. 

I pull down a bottle of brown liquid, I don’t even know what it is but it’s the fullest so that’s what I choose.

I plop on the couch, not bothering to hide from my mom, not bothering to be quiet and hole up in my room. I light a cigarette, enjoying it for a moment before I unscrew the cap of my drink, tilting the whole bottle to my lips. It tastes awful but I couldn’t care less. The numbing sensation begins slowly and I just keep going. I want to be completely fucked up as soon as possible.

I hear my mom moving around her room, and then her steps moving closer to me. She walks through the doorway and sits on the couch right by me, her thigh pressed against mine and I wait for the panic. I have the urge to run, to escape, but no anxiety. I guess my body knows that I can never get away from her so it doesn’t even try to warn me anymore.

She doesn’t say anything, just holding out her hand. I give her the bottle and she takes a large drink before giving it back.

Wordlessly we drink together until I black out, but I’m sure she doesn’t.


	5. 5.

~Vic pov~  
Kellin closes the door behind him and I let out a sigh. I feel so bad and guilty about JJ touching him. I knew deep down that the kids wouldn’t be careful, but I wanted to be helpful to Lucy.

“Vic? Did Kellin leave?” Lucy yells from the kitchen.

What if he hadn’t? 

“Yeah.”

“Come here!”

I wander in and sit on a stool at the breakfast bar, my usual place while Lucy cooks. She’s dicing up vegetables and adding them to a big pot of soup which smells really good.

“What happened with Kellin? In the living room?” She asks, not looking up from her task at hand.

“Well, he’s like really phobic of being touched.”

“At all? Like anywhere, anyone?”

“I think so. JJ grabbed him and he kinda panicked.”

“So it triggers panic attacks?”

I wonder how much I should tell her and I decide that I trust her not to be weird or judgmental.

“I’ve seen it happen a couple times, when someone touches him it’s like he can’t breathe and I guess he gets super nauseous. He actually threw up today.”

“Damn, that sounds really rough.”

I nod solemnly.

“Do you think he’s abused? Or used to be?”

I had never considered that.

“I-I don’t know.”

It would make sense, if you were physically hurt a lot in your youth then maybe you’d develop a fear of being touched.

“Didn’t his dad skip out a long time ago?” She asks.

“Yeah.”

“Maybe it was him. I don’t know.”

Just the thought of someone hurting Kellin, the boy who keeps himself so closed off and just wants to make others smile, tears me apart. I can’t believe it never occurred to me. Everyone is just so nonchalant about it that I hadn’t thought about what caused it.

I go to leave, needing some space to ponder this new information, when Lucy stops me.

“Vic?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m glad you’re making friends, just be careful okay? Kellin’s mom is really rough and I saw him smoking today.”

“Just cause he has a bad habit doesn’t mean he’s a bad person.” I say, trying not to sound defensive.

“I didn’t say he is. Your dad just has really high expectations for me right now.”

I soften, knowing how stressed she is about being my caretaker.

“I’ll be careful. I promise.”

I shut myself in my room and lay on the bed, trying to piece together everything I know about Kellin.

His dad left, he lives alone with his mom, he was suicidal at a really young age, he drinks to forget. I’ve definitely never seen his arms or really any of his body, he’s always wearing big sweaters and hoodies. He could totally be hiding bruises.

Fuck.

The puzzle fits together and makes my stomach churn. All of us have known that he has this crazy fear of being touched, all of us know that he drinks too much, yet no one ever asked him why? We must be the worst friends ever.

I want to reach out to one of the others, like Lzzy or Jack, but at the same time I don’t want to start some crazy rumor if I’m not sure it’s true. Kellin is so closed off that I’m worried about what would happen if we started poking around his personal life.

I’m distracted for the rest of the day which seems to worry Lucy, but that’s just because she’s hyper aware of my every movement. 

At bedtime I shower and crawl into my bed. I’m exhausted but I can’t manage to sleep. This happens every night. All I want is to rest but my brain goes rogue. I’m homesick and I miss my brother, but more than anything I miss my mom. I sift through memories of her, reveling in the good ones and nearly crying at the bad. 

The frustration at myself wells up and I fling my covers off. I go to my desk and open one of the small drawers, digging in the back under all sorts of papers and office supplies, until my fingers find my blade. I was scared when I first came here that Lucy would be too smart and catch on immediately if I ever cut, but she hasn’t. She never asks to check my wrists, she never searches my room for razors. I think she’s convinced that I’m doing good.

I hold my left wrist out and take a shaky breath at all the cuts. I’ve hurt myself every single night for the last week and my wrist is full. I look at my right wrist which is harder to cut, given I’m right handed, but it’s already covered in scars too. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I steady my left hand as well as I can and slice through the fragile skin of my wrist. It’s painful but also feels so fucking relieving. No more thoughts of San Diego or Kellin or my mom. No more regret or worry, just satisfying stinging.

I don’t bother cleaning or bandaging them, I just hold a couple tissues on them until they stop bleeding and then get back in bed. I don’t necessarily sleep, but at least I feel like I can relax now.

The next day is Saturday which is very inconvenient for me because I need to see Kellin again. With all these red flags going up in my brain about his home life I need to take note of how he acts and maybe even ask some sly questions. Is there anyway to get him to show his arms without realizing what I’m doing? Probably not. I know what it’s like to use clothes to hide things. 

My cuts from last night hurt a lot as I get dressed this morning, not bothering to shower since I don’t have plans. It’s gotten really cold out as the months go on which is good news for me, no one asks if I’m too warm while wearing extra layers.

While I eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast I send a few texts.

Vic: I’m so bored, we should do something today.

Justin: Sorry, working for my dad today and tomorrow. See you Monday?

Vic: Sounds good

I send similar things to the others but they’re all busy today. I don’t check with Kellin cause he was just here yesterday and I don’t want him to feel like I’m clingy or anything.

I put my bowl in the sink and go back to my room, I’m not sure where Lucy and the family are, but I didn’t see them around at all. I vaguely remember her mentioning some birthday party or shit that they were going to today.

It hits me all at once. The loneliness. It’s ridiculous cause I spend all week at school with my friends and I hang out with them or my family on weekends, so I have no right to feel lonely and depressed. I should be able to chill alone for awhile, watch a show that I choose instead of one the kids like, maybe like...jerk off or something. That’s what normal teenagers do, right?

I can’t force myself to do any of those things, I feel really tired even though I just woke up and I’m strangely empty. Maybe I need to constantly be around people so that I can feed off their personalities, maybe I’m no one when I’m alone. 

I lay on my bed and find myself nearly crying. There’s nothing really wrong, I just feel like shit.

Eventually I motivate myself to get up...because I want to cut. Great.

I pull out my razor and roll up my right sleeve, knowing my left wrist is still full. The cuts I made last night are really red and kinda puffy. I don’t pay much attention to them as I make more. Five turns into ten and ten turns into twenty before I realize that I really need to stop. It just feels really fucking good. I mop them up with some toilet paper and then flush it, taking care of the evidence, and then I put the sleeve back in its place.

When I lay on my bed again it’s not with the intention of sleep, but I guess that’s what happens. My eyes get heavy and finally fall shut, a dream vividly taking over my senses.

Kellin is sitting in my room, on my bed right next to me. He’s smiling and he looks so god damn cute. His skin has healthy color to it even though he’s always pale, and his eyes are twinkling with life. This is how he’s meant to look. Happy.

He leans forward, closing the distance between us, and presses his lips firmly to mine. I can’t believe this is actually happening, I’m kissing Kellin! His tongue sneaks into my mouth and I willingly let him explore. We feel electric together and I never want to stop. 

His hand feels up my chest and then drops into my lap, stroking me through my jeans. He gives me the perfect friction and I can’t help but moan into his mouth. He pulls away and grins at me, his lips red and slightly swollen.

“I want you Vic,” He purrs, pushing me into my back and sliding his hand down my pants and boxers. He’s touching me and it feels amazing...

My eyes fling open and I’m confused for a minute because no one is touching me. I look down and find a tent in my sweats. Great.

I could just think about other stuff and wait for it to go away, or I could take advantage of still being home alone...

I go to my door and listen for sounds of life on the other side, not hearing anything. Trust me, you know if the kids are home.

I take off my pants and boxers, lying on my bed and firmly stroking myself. I picture that it’s Kellin touching me, maybe his mouth is wrapped around me. Suddenly all I want is for him to say he “wants me” in real life. In a shamefully short amount of time I’m coming, shooting white lines across my sweatshirt. I slowly bring myself down and sigh, cursing myself for thinking about my friend while getting off. For fucks sake, even if we were dating I couldn’t hold his hand or kiss him, much less do anything sexual.

I get up and peel off my hoodie, well aware that I can’t let Lucy clean that for me. I put on my underwear and pants along with a clean sweater. I gather up some other laundry so that I don’t look too suspicious and then I go and dump it all in the washer with some detergent.

As I leave the laundry room I hear little feet pattering around and voices by the back door. I go to see them, immediately being met with JJ flying past me and Lily grabbing my legs.

“Hey guys,” I chuckle.

“We went to a birthday party and there was cake and a pony! It was so cool!” She shrieks.

“Wow, that sounds awesome!” I exclaim, feeding into her excitement. 

She goes wandering off because she has a roughly two second long attention span.

“Did you have fun Emma?” I ask my oldest niece.

“Yeah, it was good,” she says, kicking off her shoes and heading for the tv. Emma is eight but she acts like she’s eighteen.

I roll my eyes playfully at her and smile at Lucy.

“Hey hon, you were asleep when we left and I didn’t want to bother you.”

“Thanks, how torturous was the party for you guys?”

Jake laughs.

“Like a ten on a scale of one to ten,” he says, Lucy lightly batting at his arm.

“It wasn’t that bad. Just a lot of excited kids,” she sighs.

Her eyes trail over my face and she looks worried for a second.

“Are you feeling okay?” She asks.

Shit. No, not really. I can’t stop cutting myself and I nearly break down when I’m left alone which I did not know until today. Now I’m gonna need constant company to keep that from happening and also I had a sex dream about my friend.

“Yeah, I feel good,” I lie. 

I smile and hope that it reaches my eyes. It must because she nods and goes about hanging up coats and lining up shoes.

The rest of my day is boring and I can’t shake the depressed feeling. Everything I do is dull and every conversation is hard to pay attention to. Even food doesn’t taste good.

After dinner I decide to skip showering again, which I know is gross, but I’m too tired to care. Tomorrow is Sunday so it’s not like I need to be cleaned up for school or anything.

After I brush my teeth I’m finally going to my room to catch some sleep when I hear Lucy call for me. I push on the door into her office and see her looking stressed. She’s at her desk but it doesn’t look like she’s really working on anything, maybe just online shopping on her laptop.

“Sit down for a second,” she says, motioning to the overstuffed chair in the corner. 

I sigh and sit down, trying not to seem disagreeable but I was so close to crawling in my bed.

“How are you doing, for real, Vic?” She asks in a low voice, spinning her chair around to face me. We’re right by the kid’s bedrooms so we have to keep it down.

“I’ve been doing pretty good.”

“Really? Cause you seem off today.”

“I mean, I haven’t been sleeping great. I just get in bed and start thinking about...you know.”

“Your mom?”

All of a sudden I feel a painful lump in my throat. I swallow it down and nod.

“Have you been, um, cutting? At all?”

Truth or lie, truth or lie, truth or lie?

“A little,” I whisper.

Her hand is suddenly resting on top of mine. I look up and see her smiling sadly.

“It’s okay. I’m not mad. Before you came I read about self harm and I know that it’s hard to stop cold turkey. I just want to remind you to at least try and stop. It’s not healthy.”

“I-I know.”

“I’m glad we talked. You look tired, you headed to bed?”

“Um yeah, you’re not gonna ask to see my wrists?” I ask stupidly. I guess I’m just too curious for my own good.

“No, that would be really invasive and I don’t need to as long as you tell me the truth. Which you did.”

I nod and give her a small smile.

“Thanks Lucy,” I lean forward and hug her tightly.

“Go get some sleep. If you keep having trouble then we can look into some medication.”

“That sounds good. Night,” I chirp.

“Night Vic.”


	6. 6.

~kellin pov~  
My mom leaves my room on Sunday night and I feel numb. I would usually cry and get drunk right now, but suddenly I don’t want to. I want to get out of here. I want to see Vic.

I’m definitely not thinking straight as I pull my clothes on and pocket my phone, heading for the window. 

I spent one afternoon at Vic’s house and honestly, it didn’t go great, so I don’t know why I’m suddenly drawn to go back. In fact, it’s probably a really bad idea. This is opening so many doors for Vic to walk through that I need him to stay out of, but like I said, my brain isn’t doing a lot of thinking.

Crawling out the window is easy cause I’ve done it countless times to go out and buy drugs or booze. 

I realize that I left my cigarettes at home which makes me feel slightly panicky. They’re always my backup if I need to calm down, but I guess I’ll have to suck it up for a couple hours.

The walk feels long and cold. My fingers are numb and I’m shivering because I didn’t put on a coat. The further I walk the more upset I feel. I’m dirty and gross and I don’t even know what I expect Vic to do for me. I should have stayed home and gotten trashed so I could pass out. I could still do that, I could turn around and forget this entire plan, but I know I won’t. 

Eventually I make it to Vic’s driveway and I walk quickly down it and around the house. Thankfully his bedroom is on the ground level so I nervously reach out and tap on window. 

My emotions are rolling and crashing around inside of me when he cautiously moves the curtain aside and peeks out. His eyes widen when he sees me and I give him a little wave.

He shoves the window open and I try to crawl through it gracefully. Of course it’s just my luck that I can leave my own window without a problem, but when a cute boy is watching I nearly fall on my face. He reaches out and grabs my arm, helping to steady me. I’m so fucked up that my body doesn’t even react to the touch.

“What the hell is going on? Are you okay?” He whispers. It’s only a little after ten, so I shouldn’t be waking him up or anything, but I know that the kids are definitely in bed. The house is warm and inviting, making all my walls melt and my body quickly stops shivering.

I open my mouth to talk but a sob is the only thing that escapes. I hide my face in my hands as the floodgates open and I can’t stop crying.

“Hey, hey you’re alright. It’s gonna be totally okay.” He murmurs, seeming unsure of what to do.

I regret not showering before I came because I can feel hands all over my skin, grabbing me and touching me.

“C-can I use your shower?” I ask, not even caring that it’s a weird request.

“Um, yeah. Sure.”

He digs through his dresser and pulls out some clothes, handing them to me before showing me to the bathroom.

“Let me know if you need anything.”

I nod and he leaves. I lock the door and strip out of my outfit, carelessly leaving the items strewn out over the floor. I turn the water on as hot as possible and stand under the stream. At first it feels nice, then it starts burning my already damaged skin. I take a wash cloth and smother it in soap, scrubbing at my arms and waist and thighs, desperately wanting to feel like myself again. 

When I get out of the shower there are a few patches of my skin rubbed raw and bleeding, but I feel better. I brush my hair and put on the clothes Vic gave me. It’s a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt that’s so worn it’s really soft.

I have a couple bruises around my wrists and I consider putting my hoodie on to hide them, but I feel so cozy just wearing Vic’s clothes and mine seem contaminated right now. Who cares if he sees a couple bruises, I’ll just lie and tell him they’re from something else.

When I slide quietly into Vic’s bedroom he’s sitting at his desk looking completely stressed out.

“Feel better?” He asks sweetly.

“Um, yeah. Thanks,” I mumble, a yawn slipping through after the words. Major panic and stress always leaves me exhausted.

“Do you want to sleep here?”

I nod shyly.

“You can have the bed, I’ll just sleep on the floor,” he offers.

“No, you can sleep in the bed too.”

“What if we move in the night?”

“It’ll be fine.”

He seems unsure but I go to the bed and crawl under the covers, making myself at home. I feel him slip in the other side and keep a painfully huge distance between us. Cold and sadness washes over me. I remember him touching me a little earlier and how it was okay.

“Vic?” I whisper.

“Yeah?”

“Could you hold me?”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

He shuffles around and tentatively moves himself behind me. His chest presses against my back, his warmth sleeping through the fabric that separates us, and his arms wrap around my front, pulling me close. I scoot back, enjoying his body heat and tangling our legs together.

I wait for the panic to rear it’s ugly head, but I think my exhaustion is keeping it at bay. I try not to worry about what will happen in the morning or what questions Vic will inevitably ask me, I just enjoy being held and physically comforted for the first time that I can ever remember.

When I begin to stir in the morning the first thing I notice is how warm and cozy my bed is. Usually I think it’s a little hard and I don’t have many blankets, but this morning it’s perfect. I roll onto my side and let my eyes crack open.

This isn’t my room.

It takes a minute for my brain to figure out what the fuck is going on, but then my gaze lands on Vic. He’s on the other side of the bed, laying on his side and looking at me.

“Morning,” he says, giving me a sad smile.

I just hum to acknowledge the fact he talked and let my eyes shut again. I reach my arms out from under the covers and rub my face, trying to perk up.

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have bothered you last night,” I sigh, knowing that I should get up and leave. The bed is so warm though.

“You didn’t bother me at all. What happened?”

“What?”

“You were upset.”

Fuck fuck fuck fuck.

“It was nothing, just some stuff at home.”

There, I didn’t lie but I didn’t have to admit anything.

“Kellin, does your mom...”

I hold my breath.

“Abuse you?”

I sigh, tears welling up in my eyes. Does she? I mean, I don’t think our relationship is normal but I don’t have much to compare it too. When my dad was around he beat me, so that wasn’t much better.

“I-I guess.”

It feels bad and wrong to say that. She’s my mom, maybe everything is fine.

“Did she leave those bruises on your wrists?” He asks, nodding toward the offending discoloration.

I tuck my arms back under the blankets and out of view. I take deep breaths until I’m confident I won’t cry. Vic has already seen me break down too many times.

“Yeah,” I admit.

“Kells, I’m so fucking sorry.”

This confuses me. Why’s he sorry? He’s always checking if I’m okay and inviting me to hang out and letting me sleep in his fucking bed.

“It’s not your fault.”

“But I feel like I should have known.”

“No, no Vic, it’s really not that bad.”

He looks very skeptical.

“Will you like, tell me if anything bad happens? Or just come over? I want to help.”

I think about it. That doesn’t sound too bad. I’d love to have somewhere like this that I could escape to.

“If you let me look at your wrists sometimes.” I bargain, making serious eye contact with him. 

If he gets to worry about me then I get to worry about him. When I saw his wrists a few days back they were really cut up and he didn’t seem to be taking care of them. It would be awful if I knew he’s doing that and I didn’t do anything about it.

He sighs.

“They’re not pretty, Kells.”

“That’s okay, I just want to make sure you’re okay.”

He nods, a look of fear crossing his face.

“Fine, it’s a deal.”

We lay in silence, weirdly looking at each other for a couple minutes.

“Have you been avoiding me?” He asks out of nowhere.

Guilt washes over me. Yes I have, Victor, because I desperately like you. I like the way you smile and dress and talk and laugh. I like you so fucking much that you make me want to spill all of my secrets and I can’t let that happen.

“Maybe...” I sigh.

He looks hurt. Mind you, he even looks cute when he’s like that.

“Why?”

“Listen, Vic... I-I just have all these things in my life that no one knows about or are...bad. I’m really worried that you’re gonna figure them out and I can’t let you do that.”

He doesn’t say anything, but smiles a little.

“You thought we were getting too close?”

I nod, confused at his happy expression.

“It’s okay to be close with people.”

Is it?

“I know, but my life is just so fucked up, you should run from me.”

“Or we could hang out more.”

I actually giggle at that.

“Really? You want to spend even more time with me? The asshole that’s constantly hungover?”

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t think you’re an asshole. I just like spending time with you.” He says, blushing. Why’s he blushing? Does he like me? That’s not possible right?

“Um, I-I guess I do too. Like spending time with you, I mean.” I sound flustered and I know it.

“Cool, so you’re done avoiding me?”

“Yeah.” I mutter, still embarrassed that he figured me out. “What time is it?”

“My alarm hasn’t gone off yet so it’s before seven thirty. Do you have to get home?”

“No, l need to stop by before school but...she isn’t expecting me or anything.”

He nods, definitely reading into anything I say about my mother.

“You let me touch you last night,” he says a couple minutes later.

That’s right. I did. I actually don’t know how that happened and it had slipped my mind till he mentioned it.

“Fuck... yeah, I did.”

“How?”

“Honestly, I don’t know.”

“That’s okay. It was nice, I’m happy I could comfort you.”

“Me too.”

We talk about all sorts of different things until his alarm goes off. We get up and he gathers my clothes from the bathroom for me.

“I’ll clean these for you, they spent all night on the floor.”

“No, it’s okay,” I say, hating the thought of taking off Vic’s pajamas he loaned me. 

“You sure?”

“Yep.”

I don’t really think about it before I start stripping...right here... in front of Vic... what the fuck is wrong with me? Why does he make me so fucking comfortable that I do dumb things like this?

He mostly ignores me and goes to his dresser, finding his own outfit. When I’m back in my own clothes I turn towards Vic and find him shirtless. Now let me tell you, in any other situation I would practically be drooling over this boy. His skin is gorgeously tan and he has abs...why the fuck does he have abs? But today I’m distracted from this beautiful sight, by his arms. 

“Vic, what the fuck?” I whisper yell, crossing the room and looking closer at his arm. 

His arms are completely destroyed, dozens of cuts litter both of them, but there’s a few cuts on his left wrist that are red and swollen and most disturbingly, oozing a greenish pus.

“They’re fine,” he says defensively.

“Like fuck they are. Sit on the bed right now, I’m finding a first aid kit.”

I walk quietly to the bathroom and find everything I need. When I get back to his room I dump it all on the bed beside him.

“Clean those, thoroughly, and bandage them right now,” I order.

“Okay, okay, relax.”

I take a deep breathe and sit on the floor, watching him clean his wrist.

“I’m sorry, I don’t want to be overbearing or annoying. I promise I’m not gonna be up your ass all the time, but those are infected.”

“I know... You’re not being annoying.”

He sterilizes them until I’m satisfied and then wraps a bandage around the entire wrist and slides on a shirt and a hoodie.

“We better go if you need to stop at home,” he says, zipping up his backpack.

We leave his room and I immediately realize that somehow I forgot about his family and the fact that they don’t know I’m here. Suddenly I feel shy and like I’m intruding or I’ve done something wrong. Do they know that I’m gay and Vic isn’t straight? Will they jump to conclusions?

“Morning Vic, want any eggs?” Lucy asks, her back turned to us.

She turns from the stove and seems thoroughly surprised to see me. She has every right to be since it’s not normal to gain new people in your home during the night.

“I’m just gonna grab granola bars for Kell and I, we need to get to school.”

He goes to a cupboard right beside her and they talk quietly for a minute. I try not to eavesdrop, so instead I say hi to the girls sitting at the kitchen table. JJ must still be asleep or lord knows he’d be here fawning over me. Kids are so weird.

“Okay, lets go,” Vic says with a smile.

“Okay, nice seeing you Lucy.”

She gives me a little wave and doesn’t look upset so I guess it’s okay that I stayed here.

It doesn’t take long for Vic and I to reach my house. I cringe when I remember that I’ve never let him see it. Like I previously mentioned, it’s not bad. It’s not broken down or in a bad part of town, but since my dad left no one really takes care of it. There’s not a flower in sight, the yard is overgrown and mostly weeds, there’s even vines taking over the front of it.

“Would you please wait out here, I just have to grab my backpack.”

I’ve never let any of my friends come inside cause my mom is unpredictable. Sometimes she’ll be gone at her job all day and sometimes she’s around the house when I don’t expect it. I’ve tried to figure out her schedule but she’s a cleaning lady so I think she might just go to work when she gets called.

“Yeah, sure,” Vic says politely.

I go inside and race to my room as quietly as possible. I grab my backpack and double check to be sure I’ve got everything I need, then I grab two packs of cigarettes from my dresser and stuff one in my bag and one in my pocket. 

Vic is sitting on the front steps but he stands when I shut the door behind me.

“Ready?” He asks.

“Yep.”

We start the slow walk to school, both of us aware that we have more than plenty of time to get there.

I pull out a cigarette and a lighter, literally shaking I need it so badly.

“Man, it’s been a long time since we walked to school together,” he says.

I feel that guilt again at pushing him away. I never wanted to hurt his feelings but I don’t know how to explain it so I just stay quiet. 

The smoke feels so good in my lungs, calming my nerves and grounding me. When the first cigarette is close to gone I light a second off the end.

“It’s also been awhile since I watched you slowly destroying your lungs,” he teases.

“Hey! Don’t be an asshole!”

“Oh I’m sorry, you’re right, it’s been awhile since I’ve watched you quickly destroy your lungs.”

If the thought of being touched right now did not literally make me want to cry, I would shove him.

“For your information, mister goody two shoes, if you’d ever smoked a cigarette, you would know that it’s not as easy to quit as they make it out to be.”

“Have you ever tried?”

“Hell no,” I snort.

“Why?”

“There’s no point, they help my anxiety.”

“Hm, well just so you know, I have smoked before.”

“I bet you puked didn’t you?”

“Yep, that would be an accurate assumption.”

We laugh and joke all the way to school and it makes me wonder why I ever tried to distance myself from this boy.


	7. 7.

~Vic pov~  
He thought we were getting too close.

He thought we were getting too close.

He thought we were getting too close.

This idea bounces around my brain for days. Kellin and I walk to school every day for the rest of the week, hanging out with friends at lunch like usual, but now we always sit by each other. After school at the diner we share a burger and an order of pancakes and he actually talks to me. Not just in that polite way he had been forever, he actually has conversations with me.

It’s amazing. I love every second that we spend together, the ones around other people and the ones when we’re alone. 

We make plans for Saturday because we’re supposed to have an unseasonably warm day. I tell him to meet me at the city park because I found this really cool place I want to take him.

He’s yet to show up at my house again, which is good because hopefully that means his mom is leaving him alone, but I secretly want to comfort him again. I literally have dreams of him tapping on my window and letting me hold him and snuggle him again. Touching his soft skin, breathing in his scent, feeling his body pressed up against mine, these are all things I desperately want again. 

I’ve been trying to figure out how he let me touch him. He was upset which I thought would make the phobia worse but I guess not. I haven’t been able to touch him at all since and I saw him coming from the bathroom at school on Wednesday looking pale like he was just sick. How does he manage? I mean, people accidentally touch you all the time, how does he deal with the constant anxiety it causes him? 

Drinking. That’s why he drinks and smokes and does drugs, it’s all to ease the discomfort he feels every day. Or at least that’s my theory right now. He did tell me that it’s to, “forget” but that’s very vague.

On Saturday when I get to the park I see him sitting on a bench and honestly, he looks a little pissy. When I walk up to him he squints and looks at me, smiling.

“Hey Viccy.”

“Ugh, don’t,” I chuckle. 

I’m gonna fucking kill Justin for starting that.

He laughs and stands up, wincing a little.

“Hungover?” I ask knowingly.

“Yeah, sorry,” he says quietly.

He won’t make eye contact with me cause I think he’s guilty he feels like shit when we have plans. Not that they’re super rigorous plans, but still.

“Don’t worry about it, come on.”

I hand him a blanket I brought and sling my backpack over one of my shoulders. I lead him back into the trees that surround the park.

“Where are we going?” He asks, falling into step beside me.

“I found this pretty clearing a little ways out here. I thought we could chill and um... well...”

He looks at me with a mischievous twinkle in his eye.

“What?” He asks.

“I have some weed.”

He giggles.

“You’re so lame! But that sounds good.”

I laugh too.

When we reach the clearing it’s even better than I remembered. There’s a circular space of lush, green grass and no trees blocking the sunlight.

“This is great Vic, how’d you find it?”

“I was out running and came across it.”

“Ah, exercise. That’s a foreign concept to me.”

I roll my eyes and lay out the blanket on the soft grass. I was a little concerned that this is like a date, but I decided that if it turned into one I would definitely be okay with it. I hope Kellin doesn’t think it’s weird.

I sit down and start digging through my backpack and Kellin lays on his back in front of me.

I get out a bong that Justin loaned me and get it ready for us to smoke.

“Did you buy from Radke?” Kellin asks, his eyes closed.

“Yeah, Justin said he sells the best.”

“He does, he also has ecstasy,” he sighs.

“What’s taking ecstasy like?” I ask before taking my first hit.

“Um, it’s like you just drank the best coffee in the world mixed with being really horny.”

I laugh and cough a little, handing him the bong. He takes a hit and I notice his shoulders relax. It’s not the affects of the weed yet but he obviously loves smoking in general.

“I always thought the horny thing was a myth, or like, just something they made up for movies.”

“Nope, it’s very real. Kinda sucks for me though.”

“Why?” I ask stupidly.

“The touching thing,” he says, frowning a little. He takes another hit before handing it back to me and laying down.

“Right, sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

We smoke more and then I lay down beside him.

“I brought snacks too.”

“Oh thank god, I get so hungry when I’m high,” he giggles. 

Oh god, he’s gonna be adorable while he’s high. I’ve seen it before but I’m always shocked by how bubbly and happy he is.

“Why are you so fit?” He asks randomly.

“I’m really not,” I chuckle.

“Yeah you totally are! In your room you were all “oh look at my abs” and today you said you were running! The only time I run is if something is chasing me!”

He was looking at my abs.

He was looking at my abs.

He was looking at my abs.

“Well back home I played soccer, so that kept me fit. I guess I didn’t want to lose it here, so I exercise.”

“You’re so lucky, I’m never gonna have abs. Have you noticed that I’m shaped like a girl? I mean, I have hips.”

I have noticed that. It’s funny because I’m pansexual so it wouldn’t matter if Kellin was a girl or a boy, but he’s like this beautiful mixture of both. He’s just so...Kellin.

“You’re perfect, you don’t need abs.”

“But look!”

He sits up, swaying a little, and lifts his shirt. The purpose is to show me how his tummy is flat and lacking muscles, but I’m shocked by the bruises and dry, irritated flesh. I sit up and almost reach out to touch the cracked skin, but at the last minute I remember not to.

“Kellin, did your mom do that?”

He looks down and his smile slips, he covers the damage and lays down again.

“Kinda, it wasn’t on purpose though.”

“What happened?”

“She was just holding me still.”

My stomach feels sick.

“To do what?” I ask, scared of the answer.

Kellin seems to realize that he’s giving away too much cause he quickly changes the subject.

“Did you say you have chips? Cause I could really go for chips and a cigarette and a drink.”

I let the topic go but I feel startlingly sober, even though I know I’m not.

“Yeah, I have chips.”

I pull a can of pringles from my bag and hand them to him.

He eats quietly and I’m sorry that any of that happened. I just want us to have a fun afternoon.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hmm?”

“Would you wanna like...try something with me?”

My mind goes in a thousand different directions with that statement and my answer is yes for all of them.

“What is it?”

“I was thinking... maybe while I’m high you could like, try to touch me.”

Touch him. Images from my sex dream fly through my brain even though I know he doesn’t mean it like that.

“Um, yeah, I could do that.”

“I’ve just never tried while I’m high.”

Yeah he has.

“What about that night? With Jack in the bathroom? You were really fucked up and that didn’t go well.”

He sighs, his eyes a little shiny.

“I-I know, but he was being aggressive and I wasn’t expecting it. Maybe if I know it’s just you and I know it’s coming, it will be okay?”

All I want is to jump in and say yes and touch him all over. I want to touch his beautiful skin and press my lips to his and play with his hair. But I hold myself back because I think we both know this could go poorly.

“If you really want to, we can try, but I think you should touch me. I don’t want to cross any boundaries.”

“Just, lay down,” he says.

I lay next to him with plenty of space between us. I’m not sure what to expect until I feel something brush my fingers.

He takes a shaky breath and moves them away from me, even though we were only touching for a second.

“Could you talk?” He asks.

“Why?”

“I just- I need to know it’s you.”

I roll onto my side and rest my head on my arm, putting my other hand on the blanket between us so that he can try again if he wants to.

He gets in the same position and looks deep into my eyes. I swear to god he has the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen.

“Better?” I whisper.

“Yeah.”

We keep eye contact and I feel his touch ghost along the side of my hand.

His facial expression doesn’t change but his breathing hitches a little.

I feel the ends of his fingers lay across mine and stay there.

He looks like he might cry.

“It’s okay,” I soothe him.

He nods and takes a deep breath.

Knowing that I’m basically holding his hand is wild. I want to grab it and lace our fingers together and never let them part, but of course I don’t. He’s trusting me to not do anything sudden or scary so I just stay completely still.

“How do you feel?” I ask him. 

I think a little sweat is forming at his hairline, but I don’t say anything about it. I have no idea what kind of strength it’s taking for him to do this.

“I feel, like I might be having a heart attack.”

“In a bad way?” I assume.

“In two ways,” he says before taking a deep breath in his nose and letting it out of his mouth. “It’s like, the anxiety kind of heart attack and the happy fluttery kind.”

I could totally read into that. Fluttery feelings are not just friendship feelings.

“You’re not having a heart attack, you’re totally okay.”

He nods and finally pulls his hand away.

He sits up and buries his face in his hands, turning away from me. He takes a couple minutes worth of deep, shaky breaths. When he looks up he’s smiling, a real genuine smile.

“I can’t believe I did that!” He exclaims.

I can’t help but smile back. I would do literally anything to keep this boy happy. His teeth are cute and straight and his eyes light up.

“When was the last time you touched someone on purpose, besides the other night?” I ask.

“Um...never? I mean, I’ve been this way as long as I can remember.”

The thought makes me sad but then I go back to being happy cause maybe he can touch me a little bit.

“Well then I think this week has been some pretty amazing progress.”

“Yeah, now if only I didn’t have to fucked up in some way to touch you!” He giggles.

“We can work on it if you want to. Maybe if we ease into it we could even make it work while you’re sober.”

He nods.

“I hope so.”

Me too Kells, me too.

We spend awhile longer eating snacks and Kellin provides a flask. I almost take it from him and poor it out because he really shouldn’t be drinking, but I don’t. 

When some clouds roll in it starts getting chilly, so we pack up our stuff and walk to the park before splitting up and going to our proper homes.

For some reason later that day I just start feeling like shit. I can’t keep up a conversation and I’m tired but when I go to bed I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about this one fight that my mom and I had soon before she died. She found out I had been smoking pot and she thought I was being a bad influence for Mike. I swore up and down that Mike would never even know I had done it. What she didn’t know was that I only smoked because I was so stressed about her being sick. We knew the cancer would kill her for months before it actually did and it took a huge toll on my mental health.

I keep replaying our fight and how we never really resolved it. We were on good terms when she passed, but there were multiple things that I never felt like she fully understood. She never realized that I was depressed, I was only diagnosed after she was gone, and she didn’t know that I had grown to hate soccer, or that I’m gay. She didn’t really know me at all towards the end and that makes me sick. 

I torture myself all night and end up cutting a lot, filling up every place on my arms that I can and actually making a few lines on my hips too. When all the damage is said and done I just lay there, guilty that I’m gonna make Kellin upset and simultaneously not really caring to clean up.

I don’t know if I sleep at all or if I just zone out for hours, but eventually my alarm goes off. I drag my ass out of bed and into the shower. The stinging of soap and water on all of my wounds doesn’t really matter, I let them be rinsed clean so that they don’t get infected.

When I’m dressed and ready for school I hesitantly go to the kitchen for breakfast. I looked in the mirror, I know I look like shit. Lucy is gonna be all up my ass.

“Morning,” I say, grabbing a bowl for cereal.

“Morning Vic,” she chirps from the table where she’s feeding JJ. He’s old enough to eat on his own but he always makes such a huge mess that she will feed him if he’ll let her.

I don’t know if I should try to hide how rough I feel or not, so I take my bowl to the table and sit across from my cousin, trying to not make any eye contact. I don’t even realize she has moved before I feel her hand rest over mine. I look up and see her smiling but worry is peeking through too.

She doesn’t say anything or question me, probably cause the kids are around. I finish my food and get my backpack, heading for the door.

“Have a good day at school,” she says.

“Thanks.”

I walk a little ways alone before I see Kellin up ahead of me. I speed up till I catch him and fall into step with him.

“Morning,” he says, smoke leaving his lips with the word.

“Morning.”

I guess I must usually be chatty or sound different or something because he looks at me quickly. 

“Woah, what’s wrong?”

“Nothing, Kells, I’m fine.”

“Mm-hm, I know what it looks like when someone doesn’t sleep, Vic.”

“Okay, fine, I look like shit, I get it,” I snap.

We walk in silence and I feel even worse than before.

“I’m sorry,” I murmur, glancing out of the corner of my eye to see if he’s pissed. He’s not, he just looks worried. “I just had a really shitty night.” I sigh and hang my head down.

“It’s okay, everyone has bad days. I mean, I have like six bad days a week, so I guess it’s your turn.”

Whenever he says stuff like that it makes me sad. He deserves to be happy all the time and yet he’s constantly depressed and self medicating.

“I guess,” I say quietly.

He lets me walk in silence the rest of the way until we reach the school, then we say our goodbyes and split in different directions.

I didn’t realize how tired I truly was until I got to class. I try to pay attention and be a good student but everything seems so fucking pointless and dull. My arms ache and now there’s new pain on my hips. I guess I can’t really complain about that since it’s self inflicted, but it’s irritating either way.

I’m dreading lunchtime all morning because I know everyone’s gonna ask if I’m okay. Yeah, it’s sweet of my friends to care, but I don’t want to answer their questions.

I consider avoiding the cafeteria but that would probably make everyone even more worried, especially Kellin. So I suck it up and take my usual seat next to Kellin at the table.

“Hey,” I chirp, trying to sound better than I feel.

I get a few greetings back and Kellin keeps glancing at me when he thinks I’m not looking.

“Yo Viccy, you don’t look your usual sexy self today,” Justin says.

Everyone at our table looks at me with curious eyes and look down, nervously studying my hands.

“Shut the fuck up Justin, he obviously doesn’t feel well,” Lzzy snaps.

“Jesus christ, okay. Sorry,” he says, putting his hands up in surrender.

“It’s fine, I’m fine,” I say quickly, shooting Justin an apologetic look.

“Are you gonna eat?” Kellin asks me quietly. 

Nick is telling some story about the librarian yelling at him, so the attention is off of me for now.

“I’m not hungry,” I mutter.

“Did you have breakfast?”

I nod.

Everyone leaves me alone but I still try to chime in and be fun. I keep pushing myself to just snap out of it, nothing is really wrong so maybe if I can just get out of my head for a minute I’ll feel better, but it won’t work. I can’t find interest in anything they’re talking about and I’m so fucking tired that I don’t know how I’m gonna make it through the rest of the day.

By the time lunch is over and I say goodbye to everyone I’m thoroughly pissed at myself. I need to fucking pull my shit together. I take a detour into a bathroom and splash some cold water on my face, glaring in the mirror at my reflection. The bags under my eyes are dark and my skin just looks lighter than usual. I’m lacking my tan glow and the little bit of blush that usually lives in my cheeks.

I look behind me using the mirror reflection and see Kellin come in.

“Hey,” he says quietly, glancing around to be sure we’re alone.

“Hi,” I say, my voice shaking. Fuck, I don’t want to break down here and sure as hell not in front of Kellin. 

I grip the edge of the sink hard enough that my knuckles turn white. I wish I could punch something or cry or cut or anything. Anything to get some relief from the confusing feelings and lack of feelings that I’m experiencing.

“Don’t cry, what’s wrong?” 

He stands closer to me, of course not touching although I like to think that he would if he could.

“I-I just had a really bad night and now everything is shitty and I feel bad for dragging everyone down but I can’t fucking figure out what’s wrong. Nothing really bad happened and I’m fucking falling apart and everything hurts and I just want to feel like myself,” I ramble, the tears leaking out of my eyes even though I didn’t give them permission to.

“It’s okay, it’s all gonna be okay. You’re allowed to feel shitty, you aren’t dragging anyone down. You’ve gotta take care of yourself first, you know?”

I sniffle loudly and wipe my face with my sweater paw.

“Yeah,” I clear my throat. “Yeah I know, I’m fine. It’ll all be better soon probably.”

It probably won’t but I don’t want to stress Kellin out or have a complete mental breakdown at school.

“Don’t hate me,” he says quietly and I know exactly what’s coming. “Could I see your wrists?”

No, no you cannot. The last thing I want is some emotional inspection of all my self harm, but I know that I should let him. We have a deal.

I sigh and push up my sleeves past my elbows. I look at my arms and try to see what Kellin sees. They’re gross. I was already covered in scars from other times I’d cut, but now it’s all destroyed again which makes them lumpy and uneven. Some are obviously fresh while others have dark, peeling scabs.

He looks them over and gulps.

“Th-they look clean,” he says.

“I’ve been more careful.”

“Good. Um, Vic there are a lot more here than last time I saw them. Like, a lot.”

“I know.”

“Are you at least trying to cut back- nope, um, do this...less?”

I shake my head, more tears making it hard for me to see. I’m such a fucking failure. Of course I know that cutting is dangerous and I’ve been given a really good opportunity here for a fresh start and new friends and yet I’m fucking it all up.

“You’ve gotta try. Even if you just make one less cut than you want to, it would be a work in progress, right? Baby steps?”

If you put it that way then it sounds easy.

“Yeah, I-I’ll try.”

He smiles even though it doesn’t really reach his eyes.

“Okay, stay here, I’m calling Nick.”

“What? Why?”

“You need a hug and I can’t do it, Nick’s sweet and he won’t ask questions.”

I don’t tell him not to. He’s absolutely correct that I need a hug.

A couple minutes later our blue haired friend appears and he gives me a pitiful smile. He doesn’t say anything weird or embarrassing, he just crosses the room and hugs me. I wrap my arms tightly around him and rest my chin on his shoulder, squeezing him tight. It’s a ridiculously long hug, but when we let go I feel a little better.

“Thank you,” I say shyly.

“Anytime, I gotta get to class if you’re good.”

“I’m good,” I murmur. “And thank you,” I say to Kellin who has just been sitting on the counter, watching our embarrassingly long hug take place. “I needed that.”

“You’re welcome. Hey, could I come over tonight and like hang out and maybe sleep over?”

“Even though I know what you’re doing and I don’t need a babysitter, yes, that sounds fun.”

He gasps dramatically, holding his hand to his mouth.

“I don’t know what you could possibly mean! I just want to spend time with my best friend!” He says in a weird, slightly british accent.

I’m his best friend? He’s definitely my best friend but I always thought he was probably closer with one of the others.

“Alright, come on, we should get to class.”

“Yeah yeah, let’s go,” he sighs.

After school Kellin and I decide to skip going to the diner with everyone else and head back to my place. As soon as we walk in the back door JJ comes flying towards us. I scoop him up before he can reach Kellin, basically being his bouncer.

“Hey buddy, what’s up?” I ask, tickling his tummy a little.

“Kellin is here!” He shrieks.

Kellin laughs and smiles at him.

“Kellin, I have a new car!” He says enthusiastically.

“Wow, that’s cool! Maybe you can show me sometime.”

He nods and squirms around in my arms until I put him down and he runs off.

“He’s so cute,” Kellin chimes.

My heart glows when he’s so sweet to the kids. Some teenagers think that children are monsters and will be rude or awkward with them, so it’s nice he’s not like that.

“Yeah he is. Do you want anything to eat?”

I go to the fridge and Kellin follows me.

“I could make you a sandwich or...yeah that’s pretty much it.”

“I’ll eat one if you do.”

I don’t feel hungry at all but I know I should eat, so I pull out the items I need. I squirt mustard on the bread and layer cheese and turkey, topping it off with mayo on the other slice of bread. When they’re done I slice them in half and hand one plate to Kellin.

“Thanks,” he says politely.

“No problem.”

We sit at the table, far enough apart that our elbows won’t bump, and enjoy our food. It doesn’t taste too bad and I actually feel a little better when I have something in my stomach.

“Vic?” I hear Lucy yell from the hall.

“Yeah?”

“One of your sweatshirts has a little bit of a stain,” she says, coming into the room and holding it up.

Kellin chokes on his sandwich and my face heats up. I don’t know what Lucy thinks, but that stain is obviously cum.

“That’s fine,” I say quietly.

She nods and adds it to the laundry basket she’s carrying.

“Hi Kellin, how are you doing?”

He seems to have recovered from his choking incident and he now has a smug smile on his face.

“I’m good Lucy, would it be okay if I stayed over with Vic tonight?”

“Sure, I hope you like tacos,” she says casually.

“Sounds great.”

We finish our snack and then go to my room where Lucy left a pile of my laundry on the bed. Kellin flops down next to it, immediately grabbing the offending hoodie and holding it up for inspection.

“So, Victor...”

“Oh my god, don’t,” I groan, snatching it away from him. 

“Your right hand been getting some action?” He asks, cracking up.

“Fuck off!” 

“Sorry, sorry, I didn’t know masturbation was such a... touchy.... subject for you.”

He’s rolling around laughing and I can’t help but grin.

“Did you just make a pun about jerking off?”

“Maybe, I mean, I am pretty punny.”

I just shake my head.

I start laying out homework on my desk, sorting it into piles depending on when it needs to be done.

“Vic?” Kellin chirps from the bed.

“Hmm?”

“Can I ask something weird and you won’t judge me?”

“Sure.” 

I’m thinking he’s probably still joking around, so I don’t give it much thought.

“You don’t have to answer if you don’t want.”

“Okay.”

I sit at my desk and start looking over a few algebra problems.

“Does masturbating feel the same as sex?”

My eyebrows go up and I turn to look at him. He’s studying the ceiling, his face blushing pink.

“Um, wh- why are you asking that? Don’t you already know?”

He shakes his head.

“So you’ve had sex but never gotten yourself off?”

“It just doesn’t work for me.”

Is this a part of his phobia of being touched? That wouldn’t make any sense cause obviously he can touch himself, can’t he?

“Okay so, it’s like...different. Masturbating is nice because you can do whatever feels good, but it lacks intimacy,” I explain, my face feeling like it’s probably bright red.

“That makes sense. How many people have you slept with?”

Even though I’m obviously a little embarrassed, which is natural when you’re talking about something so intimate, Kellin makes me feel open about sharing these things.

“Just two.”

“Both back in San Diego?”

“Yeah.”

“Both guys?”

“My first time was with my boyfriend Tony, then awhile later I dated a girl named Ashley.”

Ashley was actually transgender, but that’s not important, she was a girl in my eyes.

“That’s cool, I’ve only been with one person.”

“Well he’s a lucky guy.”

He doesn’t reply.

“Do you have any homework that needs done?” I ask him. I need to do some of mine but I don’t want him to be bored.

“I don’t know,” he snorts.

“What?”

“What?”

“Why’d you laugh?”

“I don’t do homework.”

“But how do you get good grades?”

“I don’t.”

This whole concept is foreign to me. Back home I had to keep up my grades so I could play soccer and now I just have a habit of paying attention in class and getting my work done. 

“Kellin, don’t you want to graduate?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

His lips form a frown and I notice his fingers shaking.

“Why are you shaking?”

“I’m not,” he lies, sticking them in his pockets.

“Do you need a cigarette?”

“Maybe.”

“Come on, I’ll do my homework later.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

We sit on the porch and he smokes like four cigarettes which seems to calm him down a lot. We talk about what kind of movies we like before deciding that we’re gonna watch The Nightmare Before Christmas tonight.

“Supper time,” Lucy calls out to us.

“Coming,” I reply.

We go in and sit at the table with everyone else.

“This looks delicious, thank you for having me,” Kellin says.

“No problem hon,” Lucy replies.

We serve the food and there’s a lot of general chaos because of the kids. Emma wants to make her own tacos but manages to fling beans on the ceiling, Jake puts cheese on Lily’s food but she doesn’t like that so she has to cry. While all of that is happening no one is paying attention to the fact that JJ has successfully dropped an entire taco on the floor and has started making himself a second one, which is only adding to the mess.

Kellin obviously isn’t around kids a lot because he just sits quietly and watches the pandemonium. Eventually we get everything sorted out and everyone is eating.

“So Kellin, how’s your mom?” Jake asks. 

I’m a little surprised cause I know he doesn’t really like Kell, but I’m happy he’s being nice. If he’d asked about literally anything else it would have been better, but he doesn’t know that.

“She’s um- she’s good.” Kellin stutters, seeming very uncomfortable.

“Is she still working for Mrs. Hale’s cleaning company?”

“Yeah.”

“Isn’t that Lzzy’s mom?” I ask.

“Yeah, she runs the company but isn’t a cleaner herself,” Lucy chimes in.

I nod and eat for a bit.

“I’m sorry, how many cigarettes are you smoking a day Kellin? You smell like a campfire,” Jake says.

“Jake! Please don’t,” I scold him quickly.

“What? I’m just worried about his health, you know I used to smoke a lot.”

“And you quit?” Kellin asks.

“Yep, it was hell but I did it. I have a family to take care of you know? I’ve got stuff to live for, I can’t go dying of lung cancer.”

Kellin nods, his smile looking a bit forced.

The rest of our meal is quiet, or at least the conversation between us adults is. The kids chatter and cry and scream and laugh, per usual.

Kellin and I help take the dishes to the sink before going to the living room and turning on our movie. Kellin is really quiet which makes me uneasy.

“Hey, I’m sorry about Jake,” I whisper. The movie should muffle our words but the kitchen and the living room are pretty close together and Jake and Lucy are doing the dishes.

“It’s fine, it’s not your fault.”

“Was it cause he asked about your mom?”

“No... it was just his little speech about his family. I wish I had that but I probably never will. I wish I had a reason to want a long life but instead I just fuck myself up constantly.”

My heart breaks at his confession. He just wants someone to love him and to have a purpose to his life, it’s not his fault that he has a shitty family and trouble getting close to people.

“Can I touch your hand?” I ask, just wanting him to know I’m here for him.

“Um, you can try.” 

I can’t really see him cause we have the lights turned off, but I can make out his eyes and they look big and scared.

He puts his hand on the middle cushion of the couch and I slide mine closer to him. The ends of my fingers brush the side of his pointer finger and he doesn’t tell me to stop so I put my hand on top of his. I don’t squeeze or mess with his fingers or anything, I just lay it there.

“Is that okay?” I ask.

“I-I don’t know.”

“Remember to breathe. It’s okay, I’m not gonna hurt you.”

He takes deep breathes in his nose and out his mouth, making whooshing noises.

He takes his hand out from mine, disappointing me, but then he turns mine over so that it’s palm up and puts his back, lacing our fingers together. I grip him firmly and he smiles at me.

This feels right. I’ve been confused for awhile but right here, right now, I’ve never been more sure about anything in my life. Being with Kellin feels right.


	8. 8.

~kellin pov~  
If I take deep breaths I can hold Vic’s hand. 

I don’t even know what to do with this information. For so long I’ve been resigned to the fact that no one with ever been able to touch me, besides my mom I guess. Now it’s like this door has been opened and I can’t wait to jump through, but there’s no denying that it isn’t easy. I feel sick and my heart pounds and it’s like I can’t breathe. When we were in the woods it felt really bad, but tonight it felt okay.

The second movie we decided to watch, Edward Scissorhands, is almost over and I’m really tired. I curl up and rest my head on the armrest. I have to scrunch up my legs so I don’t touch Vic, but I’m making it work.

“We can go to bed if you want,” he offers quietly.

Everyone else has gone to sleep so we can’t be too loud, but we no longer need to whisper so they can’t hear us.

“It’s okay, we can finish the movie.”

He nods.

“I won’t be able to sleep anyways so it doesn’t make a difference to me,” he mutters.

The tv volume is on super low so I don’t bother pausing it before I ask him something. If anything it’s probably easier for him to open up if we have some background noise.

“What keeps you up?”

He sighs, chewing his lip a slightly. I really love his lips. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to kiss him. The thought of our lips touching doesn’t completely repulse me, so I’m hopeful.

“I-I just start thinking.”

“About?”

I know what he’s gonna say but I feel like he needs to vent. I want him to say it.

“My mom.”

“Tell me about her.”

He glances at me and smiles. I can just see his facial expressions in the soft glow of the tv.

“She was a really good cook and a really good mom. Like, up until her very last days she did her best to make sure we were all happy and comfortable.”

“She died from cancer, right?”

His eyes are glassy as he nods.

“Yeah, it was really rare and we caught it too late. She died six months after she was diagnosed,” he says quietly.

“That must have been really hard.”

He nods again, clearing his throat.

We’re both quiet and his eyes focus on the movie again but I can tell he isn’t really paying attention to it. 

My eyes slip shut and I don’t try to stop them.

“Come on Kells, lets go to bed,” Vic whispers.

I drag myself up and into his room. I’m so tired that I don’t even consider the fact I should probably sleep in clothes. I strip off my pants and shirt before crawling into bed and immediately falling asleep.

I have this weird dream about my mom, which isn’t unusual. She constantly plagues my dreams. She’s straddling me while I’m laying down and I’m struggling beneath her. I can’t really feel her weight anywhere except for on my chest. Her hand or arm or something is on my chest and I can’t breathe. I feel sick and trapped.

My eyes fly open and I immediately see Vic’s arm resting on my chest. I can also feel where his foot is making contact with my leg. He’s touching my skin and it actually burns, I let out an involuntary scream and roll off the bed, landing with a thump on the floor. I’m gonna be sick.

I rush from the bedroom only to find the bathroom door shut, so I improvise and race outside, off the deck, and kneel in the grass. I throw up violently, unable to stop the feeling of being held down and suffocated. I don’t even realize that Vic is there until he’s trying to hold back my hair. I want him to but I can’t handle it right now.

“Please d-don’t touch me,” I sob, gagging again.

“Okay, okay. Sorry.”

I stay there for what feels like forever, being sick and crying, desperately trying to calm down. I squeeze my eyes shut and force myself to take deep breaths. I’m okay. I’m safe at Vic’s house, my mom isn’t here. I’m okay, I’m okay.

Eventually I realize that I’m outside nearly naked. We’re secluded by the trees but I don’t want Lucy or Jake to see my bruises. I inspect my waist and wrists, seeing that my current batch of injuries are a deep purple color.

“Are they awake inside?” I ask Vic.

“No, we can slip back in and they won’t see you.”

I nod and stand on shaking legs, flinching away from Vic when he holds a hand out towards me.

We go inside and I get dressed, feeling slightly better when I’m less exposed.

“Are you gonna be okay?” Vic asks.

“I-I think so. I really need to smoke.”

He nods and we go back outside, sitting on the deck this time. I pull out my pack and light one, seeing I have plenty to smoke all morning.

“I’m so sorry, I knew it wasn’t a good idea to sleep together but I still wanted to so I was just thinking it would be okay but obviously it wasn’t and from now on I’ll take the floor cause I still want you to feel welcome and-“ 

“Vic, stop,” I say, cutting off his rambling.

He hangs his head down.

“It’s okay, I made the decision to sleep in your bed, I made the decision to sleep with so much skin exposed. It’s not your fault at all. Plus, I’m fine! I feel fine now. It’s nothing I’m not used to.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”

I smoke forever and Vic never says a word about it. We talk about a few different things and he tells me about his brother and dad.

“Hey, I think I’m gonna go home and change before school,” I chirp, standing up.

“Oh sure, um, do you want me to come with you?”

“Nah, I’ll just see you later at lunch. Would you grab my bag from your room?”

“Yeah, one minute.”

He disappears inside and I feel guilty. I do want to change for school but I also desperately need a drink. Smoking just isn’t cutting it this morning. Come to think of it I probably shouldn’t have told him I’ll see him later, but I’ll work it out.

He shows up with my backpack and profusely apologizes again before I leave.

I speed walk home and find my house empty. Thank god.

I go to my room and put on a clean pair of jeans and a shirt with a sweater on top. I need layers to feel safe today. Then I go out to the liquor cabinet and pull down some vodka. It’s disgusting but I need something strong. I take it to my room and quickly drink a lot of it, also pouring some into my flask which doesn’t go super well. My room is gonna smell like booze since I got some on the carpet.

I have every intention of going to school, which is probably a terrible idea, but it doesn’t end up mattering cause I pass out on my floor before I ever try to leave the house.

I’m not sure how long I’m out, but I get woken up by my phone ringing. I sit up and the room spins wildly. I crawl to my trash can and throw up, cringing because it’s pretty much straight alcohol. I haven’t eaten anything since I was sick this morning.

I wipe my mouth and find my phone, surprised by the huge number of texts and missed calls. I dial Lzzy’s number because she was just trying to call me.

“Oh my god, are you okay?” She asks, sounding concerned.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. Why?”

“Kellin, you told Vic you would see him at lunch and then just fell off the face of the fucking earth.”

Oh yeah, I meant to go to school. My head pounds and I rub my temple.

“Um yeah, sorry. I just ended up taking a nap.”

“Mm hm, meet us at the diner in fifteen minutes, okay?”

The last thing I want to do is leave my room, I feel fucking terrible, but I know they’ll probably show up at my house if I don’t meet them.

“Sure, I’ll see you soon.”

I change my clothes again cause I’m all sweaty and gross. I splash some water on my face and avoid the mirror, I don’t need to know how bad I look.

The walk to the diner feels like it takes forever, but I smoke a few cigarettes to help pass the time and calm my nerves. When I open the door Valerie smiles at me and motions toward our usual booth. Everyone is there, squished together and joking around. I grab a chair from a nearby table and set it at the end of the booth, knowing that I couldn’t handle it if I accidentally got touched right now.

“Hey guys, what’s up?” I say as I sit down.

“You owe me ten bucks Jack, he’s drunk,” Justin says, a big grin on his face.

I smirk and shake my head.

“I’m not drunk, I was, but I’m not anymore.”

Justin pouts and Nick says something to him about not feeding into my drinking.

Vic is practically vibrating with worry. He’s sitting three people deep in one of the booths but he whispers something to Lzzy and she shoves Nick out of the way, all of them tumbling out of the booth before they slide in again and leave Vic to sit closest to me. 

“Are you okay?” He asks, his brows furrowed with worry.

“Yeah, I’m good, Vic.”

“You look really pale, have you eaten today?”

I shake my head a little.

“Aw Vic, you’re such a good boyfriend,” Jack teases.

Vic turns bright red.

“Ew,” Justin grumbles.

“What, do you think being gay is gross?” Lzzy snaps.

“No, I think gay sex is gross.”

“That’s so homophobic!” She shrieks

“It’s really not,” Nick chimes in.

“Yeah! See? Nick agrees.”

“Well then you’re both homophobic!”

“I’m sorry if I don’t want to think about Kellin’s asshole like that.” Justin says way too loud for my liking.

“Okay okay okay, I’m going outside to smoke while you guys discuss this,” I say, finally fed up with being talked about like I’m not here.

I go outside and sit on the curb, my head pounding worse than earlier cause I’m desperately thirsty, but they need to chill out before I go back in.

Vic sits next to me which is not a surprise. I like how clingy he is, always being sure that I’m okay. No one has ever done that for me before.

“That was rough,” I say.

“Yeah, but maybe they’re right.”

“Gay sex is gross?” I ask, teasing him cause I know that’s not what he meant.

“No, dumb ass, maybe we should date.”

He makes it sounds so simple. If we want to date we would just say the words and everything would fall into place. That’s not how it works though.

A frown pulls down my lips and I focus on the small cigarette in between my fingers.

“I-I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I stutter, worried that he’s gonna be mad.

“Why?”

“I just think it would be too complicated.”

Please leave it alone, please leave it alone, please leave it alone. 

I don’t want to lose my best friend over something like this, I just want this conversation to be over and everything to go back to normal.

“Because we’re friends?”

“No, Vic, you want a real relationship and I can’t give you that. You think we’re making great progress because you can fucking hold my hand sometimes and I won’t puke, but you don’t realize that I’m probably never going to be able to have sex.” 

“But you’ve had sex before.”

“That was...different. Okay? That was different.”

“Why? Why could you be intimate with someone else and you can’t now? We’ll work on it! We’ll go slow and if you never want to, then that’s okay! Relationships aren’t all about fucking!”

“You say that now but someday when you do want it, you’re gonna be pissed and you’re gonna leave and then I’m the one getting my heart broken!” I yell.

I stand up and start walking away because my head hurts too much for this. 

“I would never hurt you like that, Kellin!” He shouts after me.

I ignore him.

I’m gonna go home and I’m gonna take a nap and I’m gonna avoid all other responsibilities. I don’t care if I should eat, I don’t care if my throat feels like a desert, I don’t care if I need a shower. I just want to sleep. I wonder if I have any sleeping pills?

I go in the front door and stop in my tracks. My mom is standing there. She doesn’t look upset, her lipstick covered mouth is smiling slightly. Her long, blonde hair is pulled back in a ponytail and it looks like she just got home from work.

“Hi baby, how was school?”

“I-it was good.”

“Good. Let’s go to your room.”

“I don’t want to, Mom, I’m really tired.”

“Well it wasn’t a suggestion,” she says, her expression becoming pissed, “I want you on your bed, without clothes, now.”

“Please, no,” I beg. I can’t take this right now.

Her hand is connecting with my cheek before I even realize she’s moved closer to me. She’s wearing a ring that really hurt my cheekbone but the shock of being touched is ten times worse.

She hit me. My dad used to hit me but she never has. 

“No more complaining.”

I lead the way into my room and she follows, closing the door behind us.

When she’s done...and I guess I am too... she leaves. Just like always I’m left in my room, in my bed, feeling sick and dirty. I know I need to take care of myself right now, get some food in my system, probably drink a lot of water. I really want to go to Vic’s, but I guess we’re fighting.

I haul myself to the bathroom and do my usual shower routine, basically scrubbing all of the flesh from my body. When I get out I don’t even brush my hair, I just throw on clothes and brush my teeth because I’ve puked multiple times today.

I tiptoe to the kitchen and chug a glass of water, refilling it to take back to my room with me. Food doesn’t sound good but I make myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich so I don’t die or something.

When my food is gone and I’ve drank more water I feel better. I throw back a pain killer and a sleeping pill and collapse in bed.

My alarm wakes me up in the morning and I can’t believe how I feel. I’m not hungover. My face kinda hurts, but I’m okay. I’m thrilled and surprised because yesterday was hellish and I expected to feel bad again today.

I get up and shower, wincing at all the cracks in my skin being rinsed with the soap and water, then I get dressed and fix my hair. A purple and green bruise bloomed under my eye while I was asleep, but I figure I can just lie about it. Vic will probably catch on that it was my mom, but there’s not much to be done for it. Plus, he might be pissed at me, I don’t really know. 

After finishing all my morning stuff I even eat a little breakfast before I leave the house. I light up a cigarette and enjoy the morning breeze, it’s cold but not bitter today.

When I pass Vic’s driveway I see him walking towards me. I stop and wait for him, desperately wanting to resolve our fight. I shake my hair down over my eye and pull up the hood of my sweatshirt. I don’t want to talk about it right now.

“Good morning, are we fighting?” I ask when he reaches me. 

To my relief he smiles and shakes his head.

“No, I don’t want to fight. You don’t have to date me if you don’t want to,” he says, the two of us walking side by side.

“I definitely never said that.”

“What?”

“That I don’t want to date you.”

“So you do?”

“Um yeah, I just said that I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

He’s quiet for awhile.

“How about you just think about it? I promise that I won’t pressure you to do anything or ever make you feel bad about not being able to touch me. We don’t even have to work on it. I just really like you.”

He’s right, I kinda jumped to conclusions and I definitely didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt.

“Okay fine, I’ll think about it, but only if you think about what it would really be like to date me.”

He nods.

“Sure, I promise I’ll consider it.”

When we get to school we go inside together and without thinking about it I take my hood off, happy to be in the warm building.

“Kellin, what the fuck?”

“What?”

“Your cheek!”

I look around, hoping we aren’t drawing attention to ourselves.

“It was nothing, I just, um, ran into something.”

“Oh sure, that seems real.”

“It is! I-I gotta get to class. See you at lunch.”

He has a frown on his face as I turn and leave.

Classes drag and Mrs. Brink asks me to stay when her lesson is over. I’m not super excited to face my friends at lunch but I definitely don’t want to talk to the hippy.

She gestures for me to sit at the desk directly across from her. Here we go. She’s about to give me the whole speech about how I’m failing and if I don’t pass I’m not gonna graduate and we don’t want that do we?

“Kellin, is everything all right at home?”

Oh.

I clear my throat and shift around in my seat.

“Y-yeah. Everything’s fine.”

“How about with your classmates? Anyone giving you trouble?”

“No ma’am.”

She nods sadly.

“Well, if you anyone was hurting you, I’m someone you could come to, alright? I would never doubt your word and I could help.”

I feel so uncomfortable under her gaze. I haven’t needed help before and I sure as hell don’t need it now.

“Sure, thanks,” I say, getting up and grabbing my bag.

I make a beeline for the cafeteria, my friends all looking at me when I sit down.

“What-“ Jack starts but I cut him off.

“I have a bruise on my face, I’m aware and I’m fine,” I say.

“Alright, touchy subject,” he mutters.

“What happened?” Nick asks.

“Just ran into something.”

Vic appears next to me and sits down.

“How’s the cheek doing?”

“Well it made Mrs. Brink keep me after class to ask if I’m getting bullied.”

Justin snorts.

“Did she cast a protective spell around you?”

“Probably,” I laugh, glad that nobody seems suspicious.

“Do you want some of my pasta?” Vic asks, sliding the container towards me. I’m beginning to wonder if he told Lucy we share lunch, because this is obviously two servings.

“Sure, thanks.”

I find a fork and dig in, enjoying the delicious marinara sauce that’s smothering the noodles and meatballs.

“So I’m guessing you two made up?” Lzzy asks.

“How’d you guys know we had a fight?” Vic asks.

“Vic, there was screaming,” Justin chimes in.

Vic looks embarrassed even though I’m not sure why. We were fighting in public, there was always the possibility of someone seeing. I guess I did yell at him about sex for awhile... oops.

“Yeah, we’re chill,” I chirp.

Everyone nods and I’m happy that none of them inquire about our relationship status. It would feel mean to make a big deal out of not being a couple, but it would be totally wrong to say we are.

The rest of my day goes smoothly. Mr. Iero doesn’t hold me after class, we all hang out at the diner, I smoke a few much needed cigarettes on my walk home, and to top it off my mom is gone when I arrive. 

I pour myself a drink, mixing some soda with booze and drinking it quickly. Usually I don’t use a mixer but I figured I’d treat myself tonight. I take a hot shower and put on comfortable clothes before crawling in my bed. It’s not as comfortable as Vic’s bed and it has a lot of bad memories, but it’s familiar.

Finally, I have time to think. I promised Vic that I would consider what it would truly be like to be his boyfriend. 

So let’s say he really was being honest and he would never force me to touch him or have sex with him or pressure or guilt me. That would be such a relief. I’ve been worried for years about getting into a relationship with someone that doesn’t understand my boundaries. If anyone does, it’s Vic. What about the fact that my life is a fucking disaster? Would I have to be honest with him about everything? If he knew everything would he still want me? I guess that could kinda be a test to see if he’s really right for me. Is that an awful thing to think? Or okay? I’m so confused.

To be honest I want to date him. I want to be with someone who gets me and, at least for now, is nice about the lack of physical stuff we could do. I just feel so comfortable around him and if there was anyone I might be able to trust enough to touch me, it would be him.

I want to date Vic, but can I let myself be open to someone like that?


	9. 9.

~Vic pov~  
When I get home I head straight to my room and flop on the bed, so many different things rattling around in my brain.

Kellin’s cheek looks really bad and it’s obvious by his shifty behavior that his mom did it. I wish he wouldn’t lie to me.

More than anything I’m just thinking about being Kellin’s boyfriend. He asked me to truly consider what it would be like which is hard to do. My mind immediately fills with thoughts of hanging out and holding hands and easing him into touching and just knowing that he’s mine.

Okay, what would it actually be like? I know for sure that sometimes I can hold his hand in a controlled environment. There’s no guarantee that we’ll ever be able to kiss or cuddle or have sex. Am I actually gonna be okay with that? I mean, he’s hot as fuck, will I actually be satisfied not being able to fool around or even make out? These are hard questions to answer because I just desperately want to date him. I guess if he decides he would be okay with it then we’ll work through everything else. I’m not some kind of monster, I can live without being physical with someone.

The next day I’m on my way to school when I hear the familiar sound of Kellin’s steps rushing to catch up with me. He looks really hot today, his hair is fixed, he’s in black skinny jeans and a thick black sweater. His cheek is a nasty shade of black with purple edges, but I try not to focus on it, instead my eyes wander over his plump lips and his rosy cheeks.

“Good morning,” he says, sounding really cheery. He usually looks and sounds like shit in the morning so I’m surprised by how clear his eyes are. He’s lazily smoking a cigarette and there’s a small smile resting on his lips.

“Morning, you seem happy.”

He looks down, kicking a rock with the toe of his shoe and hiding a smile.

“Yeah, it’s crazy how good it feels to not be hungover.”

So that’s the difference.

“I like it when you take care of yourself.”

He just nods and takes a drag.

“Could we talk after school? Like, maybe at that place in the park or something?”

This could either be a really good sign or a really bad sign. Or maybe unrelated. Maybe he wants to talk about his mom or just hang out. I shouldn’t get my hopes up that he’s made a decision after one day.

“Sure, wanna meet after class and walk together?”

“Yeah.”

My day fucking drags on. I can’t pay attention in class, at lunch I’m trying to read into every word that leaves Kellin’s lips, and by the time I’m waiting outside of his last class I’m jittery with nervous energy. I need to calm the fuck down. Like I considered earlier, maybe this isn’t even about us. God I hope it is though. 

He’s late getting out of class so I peek in and see him sitting across from Mr. Iero’s desk, frowning and studying his hands.

“Hey, ready to go?” He asks when he comes out.

“Yep, what took so long? Everyone else left five minutes ago.”

“Mr. Iero was threatening to fail me again.”

“Why?”

We start strolling down the hall and toward the doors.

“You know, not paying attention, sleeping in class, my aversion to homework.”

“So you’re really gonna fail?”

“It’s looking like it.”

“I could help you.”

“You don’t have to do that Vic, it would be a huge pain in your ass to get me on track.”

“I don’t think it would be that bad, we could just do homework together. Obviously I can’t make you pay attention in class.”

Is this just another excuse to spend time with him? Yes. But I also want to help him. It’s not his fault that he doesn’t have anyone to hold him accountable. The only reason I’m good in school is because I’ve been taught to be.

“Yeah, I mean- yeah, maybe.”

We mostly walk in silence. I’m not sure what he’s thinking about but I’m thinking about what our conversation is gonna be like. I’ve been stressing about it all day but what if he just flat out doesn’t want to be with me? I’m not ready for that.

We finally reach the park and walk down the narrow path through the woods till we get to the clearing.

“Damn, we don’t have a blanket,” I say.

“It’s okay, we can just sit on the ground.”

It’s cold today but I ignore it, sitting on the grass in front of Kellin. We’re both cross legged and if I moved forward two inches our knees would touch. Would that be okay? Probably not.

“So, I don’t know if you have, but I’ve been thinking a lot about...um...us,” he starts nervously.

You could say I’ve been thinking about it a lot. Other ways to word it would have been “obsessing” or “driving myself crazy” but the way you said it is fine.

“I’ve definitely thought it over,” I say calmly.

“Will you go first? I’m nervous.”

I nod. Here we go.

“I know that you wanted me to consider what it would really be like to be in a relationship with you and not be able to touch you or kiss you or probably ever have sex and I just keep thinking that I’m okay with it. It will probably be hard sometimes cause you’re...you, and you’re so hot, but just the thought of making you uncomfortable or trying to pressure you into anything makes me feel sick.”

He’s smiling and blushing which confuses me for a second before I realize that I just called him hot to his face. As much as I’m embarrassed, it’s totally true.

“Okay, well, I’m glad you’re taking it seriously. I am too and I want to be your boyfriend...”

I feel a smile break out on my lips even though I know he’s about to say more.

“But I’m scared. I’m scared that it’s gonna ruin our friendship if we break up and I’m scared that I’m gonna have to be all open and honest with you. Mostly I’m just scared that I can’t give someone enough of myself to make them happy. I just want you to be happy Vic and if I’m all emotionally closed off and you can’t touch me, then what’s keeping us close?”

That hadn’t crossed my mind. Usually people are open with each other and physically intimate and that’s what brings them closer.

“Honestly, I’m not sure, but I’d really like to figure it out.”

He grins at me.

“So, what you’re saying is that this is a bad idea, but we should do it?”

“I guess. I just really like you, more than I’ve ever liked anyone else, and I don’t want to limit our relationship or shove down our feelings just because we’re not one hundred percent sure how it’s gonna go. I’d rather regret giving it a shot than always wondering if we should have been together.

“Okay, I see what you mean.”

“Okay... as in, you’ll be my boyfriend?”

“Yes,” he says confidently. “But you’re already aware that I’m an asshole sometimes, so that’s on you.”

“Well I can be an asshole too, so I guess we’ll just have to deal with it.”

“Two assholes dating,” he giggles.

“That sounds kinky.”

“Oh my god, don’t,” he groans.

“Fine, fine, I’ll just talk to Justin about it later.”

That makes Kellin crack up and I can’t believe that this boy, with the beautiful, bright eyes, and gorgeous smile, is mine.

“Can I hold your hand?” I ask.

“Yeah.”

He holds it out in front of him and I take it in mine. He kinda flinches, but he doesn’t move away or look like he’s in distress.

“Is that okay?”

“Yeah.”

I don’t know how long we sit out there, freezing our asses off in the woods, holding hands and talking like a couple dorks, but it’s amazing. Eventually we get up and stroll back to the park, then leave each other and go to our respective homes.

That Friday Lzzy invites everyone to hang out at her place because she just got a copy of some terrifying horror movie that she wants us all to watch together. She also promises weed and pizza which is probably why we all agree to go.

I end up meeting Kellin on the walk to her place and we hold hands for most the way. It seems miraculous that he can touch me so easily in such a short amount of time, but I have to warn him and I still can’t touch him anywhere else. I asked if I could rest my hand on his back and he said no.

When we walk up to the house we stop holding hands because we haven’t discussed if we want everyone to know yet. Or at least, I’m guessing that’s why we stop, I don’t really know. We should have talked about it.

Lzzy’s mom greets us at the door and tells us that everyone is in the living room. I’m confused by the fact that she’s home because we were promised drugs, but I figure Liz has a plan.

“Heyyy,” Kellin says as we enter the room. Everyone is on the furniture or in bean bags on the floor. It’s a pretty big room with a couple couches and a loveseat. We’ve hung out here quite a few times because they have a fucking massive tv.

“Hey guys!” Lizz squeals. “So my parents are going out for dinner and I thought that when they take off we can order pizza and start the movie.” She shoots us a wink and we both nod.

We joke around and talk about what this movie is gonna be about. I’m not super excited to watch the Japanese horror that’s literally supposed to be so scary that people pass out and stuff, but Lzzy is really excited. 

Her parents leave and we light up a couple bowls of weed, seemingly unconcerned about the smell. We order a shit load of pizza and Justin contributes a few beers that he snuck in his backpack.

“Did you have those in there all day?” Jack squeals, thinking that Justin had beer in school.

“I’m not fucking stupid you dumb ass, I got them from my house before I came over here.”

“Come on, you can’t blame him for thinking you would do something that like. You came to school with a full bottle of vodka one day cause you thought the teachers would think it was water.”

“Yeah, I’m just looking out for my stupid little friend,” Jack teases.

Justin flips him off and threatens to not let him have a beer.

We’re all enjoying ourselves, eating pizza, watching the movie that isn’t actually that scary because we have to read subtitles, when I realize that Kellin is missing. He was sitting by me on the couch and excused himself to go to the bathroom, but he hasn’t come back.

Right as I’m about to go look for him he stumbles into the room. I can already tell that something is off.

He sits on the couch next to me and it only takes a second for me to realize his eyes look weird and there’s a little sweat beading along his forehead.

“Kells, did you take something?” I whisper, trying not to alarm the others. I know it bothers Liz when he does this.

He nods and giggles, digging in his pocket. He pulls out a little baggy with a few white pills in it. They’re powdery and have different symbols and logos pressed into each one. It’s ecstasy.

What do you do when you know someone is on drugs? Do you make them drink a lot of water like when someone is drunk? Do you make them sleep it off? Isn’t crazy energy one of the effects of ecstasy?

“Do you feel okay?” I ask him, still keeping my voice down.

“I feel fucking great!” He says, drawing Lzzy’s attention for a second before she rolls her eyes and focuses on the tv. She doesn’t know that anything is going on, she’s just annoyed that we’re not paying attention.

I try to ignore Kellin cause I’m a little upset that he felt the need to go off and do drugs when we were all having a perfectly nice time. That’s when I feel his hand glide up my thigh.

Kellin is touching me.

“Woah,” I breathe.

He smiles and gets up before climbing onto my lap and straddling my legs. He scoots forward until his ass is right over my crotch and he tries to kiss me. I really don’t want our first kiss to be while Kellin is fucked up, so I turn my lips away, causing his mouth to land on my cheek and travel down my jaw and neck. That’s enough.

“Kellin stop,” I say, admittedly a little too loud.

“What the fuck!” Justin yells, hurrying to get up and turn on the lights. 

I know exactly how this looks, Kellin sat in my lap, his lips still working on my sensitive skin. It looks like we were getting it on while in the same room as all of our friends. But that’s not the shocking part here, Kellin is making an amazing amount of contact with me. 

“Kellin! Stop molesting Vic! Is he on ecstasy?” Lzzy shrieks.

I stand up, forcing Kellin to get off me. As much as I loved feeling his weight on me and even his lips on my neck, this is wrong. It doesn’t feel like Kellin it just feels like I’m taking advantage of him.

“He left a little bit ago and came back like this, I was just trying to keep it quiet so he didn’t upset anyone.”

“Well my eyes are fucking burning now. He needs to go to bed,” Jack says sternly.

“But I don’t wanna sleep Jacky, I love Vic and I want him to fuck me,” Kellin whines, making me turn bright red.

“Okay okay, I’m taking to bed,” Jack says responsibly.

He takes Kellin’s hand and leads him down the hall.

“Is he usually like that?” I ask, knowing my face is bright red.

“When he’s on drugs he is.”

“He’ll touch people?”

“Oh, no. That’s a first.”

It’s a first because we’re dating. I bet he’s never been on ecstasy around someone he actually feels attracted to.

“Hey yeah, why’d he want Vic to fuck him? What about the rest of us?” Justin says.

I roll my eyes at him.

“Will it take long for him to fall asleep?” I ask, worried about my boyfriend.

“Um yeah, that stuff is like caffeine on steroids.” Lzzy says, turning off the lights and sitting down again.

We watch more of the movie but I can’t stop worrying about Kellin. Drugs are dangerous and stupid and I hope he’s okay.

Eventually I guess I fall asleep because now my eyes are opening and I’m sprawled out on the couch. The sun is up and I’m glad I told Lucy that I was gonna stay over.

I roll onto my side and Kellin is there, sitting on the floor staring at me. I nearly jump out of my skin.

“Jesus christ, Kell!” I whisper shout.

He jumps a little too.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he says quietly.

I sit up and glance around. We’re all alone and I hear voices in the kitchen so I assume the others are making breakfast or coffee or something.

“How do you feel?” I ask, rubbing my eyes.

“Um, fine. I can’t sleep.”

“Did you sleep at all last night?”

He shakes his head.

“Why’d you do that without telling me?”

“What? E?”

I nod.

“It doesn’t matter,” he mutters, looking ashamed.

“Sure it does, please tell me.”

He sighs.

“I was just nervous because I felt like we should be affectionate. Like we were sitting right there by each other and any other couple would cuddle or make out and I can’t.”

“Did you know that you could touch me if you took drugs?”

“Well, not completely. I’ve felt very... comfortable... with people before while I was high, so I hoped that since I’m into you I could be physical.”

“Kellin, I promise you one hundred percent that I’m not expecting any of that. I’m happy to just be near you and know that you’re my boyfriend. You don’t need to stress out that I want more and you definitely don’t need to fucking take drugs and force yourself out of your comfort zone.”

Tears are gathering in his eyes.

“I’m gonna touch your hand,” I murmur.

He nods.

I reach forward and take his hand in mine, noticing that he’s shaking slightly.

“Thank you Vic. I’m just- I’m just getting used to this.”

“It’s okay.”

“I didn’t do anything too embarrassing did I?”

“You can’t remember?”

He shakes his head.

“I can only remember sitting in your lap, after that everything is gone until this morning.”

“Oh. You um, you sat on my lap and you tried to kiss me but I kinda avoided it. I want to do that for the first time when you’re sober...if it does happen.”

“Thanks, I do to,” he sighs.

“A-and you kinda kissed down my jaw and neck and before I made you get up. Then you said that you wanted me to fuck you...”

“Oh my god, oh my god, okay. I don’t want to know anything else.” 

His face looks like a tomato and I can’t help but chuckle.

“Don’t laugh! I have so many regrets!”

I smile at him and finally get up, really needing to pee.

Some of the guys went home late last night, so the rest of us hang out this morning and go home for lunch.

I’m really worried about letting Kellin go home while he’s still kinda jacked up from the drugs but, to my dismay, he says he’s dealt with the comedown of ecstasy plenty of times and he’ll be fine. 

So I walk home alone and spend the rest of the day hanging out with Lucy and the family. We have dinner together and then we all watch a movie. It’s actually a really fun day. 

I help transport all the kids to their beds after they fall asleep in the living room and then I go to the bathroom for a quick shower. When I take off my shirt I’m met with the sight of my arms. They’re kinda healing but in multiple places the cuts are raised and some are sunken and they’re all nasty colors. The scars trigger me. That’s the only explanation because I’m not depressed or upset, but I know that when I go back to my room I’m gonna cut.

I shower and throw on a fresh pair of boxers before crossing the hall and shutting my door. I get out my blade and dig it into my hip, leaving a few fresh cuts that are actually pretty deep. This is so fucked up because nothing is wrong! All of a sudden I remember what Kellin said about trying to cut back, which was obviously poor wording, but I put away my blade. I would love to absolutely destroy my hip with dozens of cuts, but I’ll stop here. For Kellin.

I’m kinda angry at myself now as I retrieve my phone and get under the covers of my bed. The cuts are going to ruin my boxers and sheets but I don’t really care, I’ll deal with it tomorrow. 

I try to distract myself by thinking of Kellin but that just leads me to wondering how you feel when E wears off. I google search it and it’s actually really scary. Usually for a couple of days after taking it you can feel really depressed and tired. I pull up his contact on my phone and consider calling him, but instead I just shoot him a text.

Vic: How are you doing?

It takes him forever to reply and I wonder what he’s up to.

Kellin: Fine, why?

Vic: Just checking in.

Kellin: I’m gonna get some sleep, talk tomorrow x

Vic: Night xoxo

I feel like he’s being weird but obviously it’s hard to tell through texts. I wish tomorrow wasn’t Sunday so that I could see him at school and keep an eye on him.

I just hope he’s okay.


	10. 10.

~kellin pov~  
Everyone talks about the high of drugs, no one talks about the comedown. Ecstasy makes you feel a little shitty physically and completely kills your appetite, but mentally it’s a complete bitch. 

When you’re on it you feel so energetic and sexy and like everything is fucking rainbows and butterflies, so coming off it is the exact opposite. I feel so tired I can barely move and the depression is hitting me hard.

If you add this to the fact that my mom was just in my room and then left me home alone, I’m not in the best situation. 

I eventually force myself out of bed and into the kitchen for a drink. I should be careful about keeping hydrated with water but that’s not what I need.

I spend the rest of my night in my room getting drunk and sleeping until I finally pass out for good.

When I wake up the next morning I feel like death warmed over. My head is pounding, I’m extremely nauseous, sweating like crazy, and I actually wish I could die right now. The post E depression is still here and my brain is an extremely dark place. By tomorrow I should start feeling more like myself.

I don’t remember much from last night except texting Vic a little and getting up to puke once.

Let’s just say that my morning isn’t pretty and when I actually pry myself out of bed I realize that it’s not actually morning and I slept until three in the afternoon. Oops.

I throw up and drink some water, not being able to stomach food, then I throw all the water up before taking a shower.

I’m back in my bed, shaking violently, probably from low blood sugar or something, when I remember that I don’t have to handle this. I have a boyfriend who is desperate to make sure I’m okay.

Kellin: I feel really bad, could you steal Lucy’s car and come rescue me?

Vic: I’m on my way, wait outside for me??

I struggle getting out of bed and I don’t even bother to change or brush my hair or anything before I stumble out to the front steps.

Vic arrives a couple minutes later since he lives close. I can’t even get my legs under me before he’s at my side.

“Can I help you up?” He asks.

“I don’t know... sure.”

He takes my arm and helps me stand up but I guess that was a bad decision on my part. I have flashbacks from last night, hands grabbing me and holding me in place, preventing my escape.

“Fuck,” I groan, tired of being sick. 

I lean over the bushes in our sad garden and try to throw up, retching repeatedly but my stomach is empty.

“I’m sorry,” Vic says as he leads me to the car when I’m finally done.

“It’s fine.”

I get in and rest my head back, shutting my eyes.

“Are you okay?” Vic asks, putting the car in gear.

“I- I think so.”

“Have you been taking care of yourself today? Drinking plenty? Lots of sleep?”

I feel a tear drip down my cheek and I quickly wipe it away.

“No,” I whimper.

“Hey, hey Kells, it’s okay. Have you been eating or drinking at all?”

I know that he doesn’t literally mean drinking like booze, but he deserves to know why I’m in such bad shape.

“I just slept all day yesterday and then I got really drunk and now I can’t keep water down and I was home alone and it was scary.”

“Fuck, I -it’s gonna be okay. I’m here now.”

I nod and wipe my tears.

It’s the middle of the afternoon so I’m not sure if Vic plans on sneaking me into his house or just keeping my condition a secret. That would be a hard task considering I look like total shit.

We quickly arrive and he comes around to open my door for me. My stomach hurts and my world spins when I get up. I seriously wish I could die right now.

I get inside and I think we pass Lucy in an office or something, but I never see Jake or any of the kids.

We go to Vic’s room and I sit on the edge of his bed.

“Stay here, I’m getting you some food and water.”

My stomach rolls at the thought of it but I don’t say anything because I know I need it.

He returns shortly after and spoon feeds me oatmeal and a piece of toast. I feel a little sick but I force myself to drink a glass and a half of water too.

“Good job, here.” Vic says, holding out a couple pills. I assume they’re painkillers and throw them back with a drink.

I’m so tired that I can barely function, so Vic tells me I can sleep in his bed and pretty much tucks me in.

I black out for lord knows how long and when my eyes open I can already tell I feel better. Sure I still feel like shit, but I sit up and the room stays in its place. I fling back the covers and panic when I see all the blood on the sheets.

“Holy fuck,” I whisper, inspecting myself for anything that could be bleeding.

“What’s wrong?” Vic asks when he comes in the door. 

He must be able to tell I’m panicking because he shuts the door and comes to my side.

“I-I’m bleeding!”

“Oh, oh my god,” he heaves a sigh of relief and I give him a confused look. 

Why is he relieved? I’m bleeding! 

“You’re not bleeding, I was.”

It takes me a second to piece together what he’s saying before I realize that he was cutting. He cut recently and bled all over his blankets.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Can I see?”

He frowns and pulls down the side of his pants and boxers, revealing a neat row of cuts on his hip.

“Are you okay? When did you do that?” I ask, placing my hand over his that was resting on the edge of the bed.

“I’m fine, it was last night.”

“Why?”

“I don’t really know, I just got triggered. Now, how are you feeling? You’re fussing over me when you literally almost died.”

“I did not,” I grumble. “I feel a lot better.”

“Hungry again? You slept for like twelve hours.”

I look out the window and see that it’s really dark out.

“No, we should get some more sleep shouldn’t we? It’s like four in the morning.”

“Yeah, if you’re not hungry then we can sleep. I’ll be out on the couch if you need me.”

“No Vic, you can sleep here.”

“Cause that went really well last time,” he says sassily.

“I promise it will be okay. I’m actually wearing clothes right now and if it makes you feel better we can put a pillow between us.”

He sighs and rubs his eyes, probably tired.

“Okay, fuck, fine.”

“I mean, you don’t have to, but I’d like being closer to you right now.”

His expression softens.

“Of course I want to sleep next to you.”

Just like I told him, it’s fine. I sleep better knowing that I haven’t kicked Vic out of his bed and when I wake up the pillow in between us has kept a fair distance between our bodies.

Vic is asleep so I just stare at him for awhile. His tan skin is gorgeous in the soft morning light that’s filtering through the curtains and he has amazing eyelashes. I study his lips, they’re plump and look soft, I bet it would be nice to kiss him. That’s what confuses me about Vic because most the time even just the thought of being touched makes me queasy, but I want it with Vic. It’s just like with the hand holding, if he tells me he’s going to touch me and I know it’s coming and I know it’s him, I’m fine. I wonder if that’s how it would be for touching him other places. I mean, he helped me up earlier and it didn’t go well, but I wasn’t sure exactly where he was going to touch me.

His features screw up a little and he yawns, his eyes fluttering open. We’re face to face in bed and since we’re both awake I toss aside the barrier from between us.

“Good morning,” I say softly. I’m not sure when the rest of his family will wake up.

“Morning,” he mumbles, still stretching and waking up.

“So, I’ve been thinking,” I start because I can’t contain my excitement.

“Oh yeah?”

I hum.

“You know how you always tell me if you’re gonna hold my hand? So I know exactly what to expect?”

“Yeah, sure.”

“What if we tried that with other places?”

“Well, if you want to try we can, but are you sure now is the best time?”

“I really want to know if it works. I feel good this morning, I promise.”

“Okay, just tell me if it’s too much.”

I nod, curious to see where he starts. We push the sheets and blankets off our bodies so that I can see every inch of us.

“I’m gonna rest my hand on your stomach,” he says, carefully carrying out the action. It makes me a little anxious as the warmth from his palm seeps through my shirt.

“I’m okay.”

He smiles.

“Can I touch your face?”

“Um sure? Do you really want to?”

He grins and nods. He takes his hand off my stomach and places it on the side of my face. His thumb travels down the side of my nose and glides over my lips. I want to kiss him. I want to feel close to him for once.

“I’m gonna kiss you,” I whisper.

“You know you don’t have to warn me, right?”

I feel a light blush bloom on my cheeks but I ignore it and lean forward, closing the small distance between us and connecting our lips. It’s okay. It doesn’t feel amazing and it only lasts for a couple seconds before I pull away but I kissed him! I kissed my boyfriend! 

I take a couple deep breaths and a huge smile takes over Vic’s face, making his cheeks round and his eyes squinty.

“We just kissed,” he whispers.

“Yeah we did.”

“Are you okay?”

I think about it. Am I? I don’t feel sick and there’s only a little anxiety thrumming through my body.

“Yeah, I’m good. Will you hold my hand?”

He does so without breaking eye contact and it feels good, like we’re connected. It’s a new experience for me and one I never want to end.

“Kellin?” He whispers after awhile.

“Hmm?”

“Will you please stop doing scary drugs?”

He catches me off guard. Nobody has ever asked to do that. Lzzy has hinted that she doesn’t like it, but before Vic came along I didn’t have any real reason to stop.

“Um, yeah, probably.”

“Why do you feel like you need them?”

I feel very vulnerable right now and I quickly decide that I should just open up to him. Of course I can’t spill my guts on everything, but he deserves to know parts of it.

“I started testing different drugs a really long time ago. I’d slip some of my mom’s prescriptions just to see what would happen because...because my dad beat me.”

Vic’s eyes for wide with disbelief.

“He did? I didn’t know that.”

I nod.

“Nobody really knows because I don’t want to be treated like some victim. But yeah, ever since I was old enough to walk and talk I guess I’ve been kinda feminine and everyone knew I was gonna be gay and my dad hated that. He hated every little thing about me and he let me know.”

I can feel tears filling my eyes but I just sniffle and let them run down my cheeks. Vic squeezes my hand as encouragement.

“H-he would hit me and leave me with black eyes when I was like four or five. Everyone asked us what happened and he’d just lie and tell them I hurt myself playing baseball or whatever, anything to make me seem manlier.”

“But you were just a kid.”

“Yeah and I was just a kid when I hit me with his belt and broke my ribs and threw beer bottles at me. He threatened to kill my mom if she left or told anyone, so she didn’t. To cope I started taking crazy painkillers and basically anything I could get my hands on cause I was always anxious and in pain.”

“That’s awful. What ended up happening?”

I look down at our hands, not wanting to see the sympathetic expression on my boyfriend’s face.

“He left. One morning we woke up and all the money was gone along with the car.”

“Good riddance,” Vic mutters

“But he left me with my mom.”

I can’t stop the steady flow of tears now because this is currently happening to me. Talking about the past is one thing cause it’s over and it doesn’t feel overwhelming, but this is my reality right now.

“Hey, would you look at me please?” Vic asks.

I tilt my chin up and look into his gorgeous brown eyes. He looks sad again and I hate how I always manage to upset him.

“You’ve gotta be honest with me Kells, are you safe with your mom?”

I sob and wipe my face with my fingers, trying to get control of my emotions. I’m fine. I’m honestly not sure how bad it is, I just feel confused by the whole situation.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.”

“Really?”

I nod.

“She um, she doesn’t bother me often.”

He looks unimpressed but nods slowly.

“Okay, well you know that you’re always welcome here and if you need me to come get you like I did today, I can.”

“Oh god, is Lucy upset? About you taking her car?”

He looks a little confused.

“No, why would she be? I just told her that you needed me.”

“So she doesn’t know... you know?”

“That you were stoned? No.”

“Okay good, I don’t want her to hate me.”

“It wouldn’t bode well for us if we ever want to tell people we’re dating,” he agrees.

“I don’t know about you, but I’d like people to know soon. I want to be around you more and like during the weekend and stuff.”

He smiles.

“I thought you’d want to keep it a secret,” he says softly, clearly happy I don’t.

“Why?”

“Well since you’re not out to everyone at school and stuff.”

He’s right, I’ve never had a boyfriend so it hasn’t been officially announced, but like I said, I’m pretty gay so I think everyone has a clue.

“I’m not worried about it.”

“So we can like, hold hands in school and stuff today?”

I don’t know what he means by “and stuff” it’s not like we can make out, but given what we’ve tested this morning it seems like we can possibly do more. That thought is gonna take some getting used to.

“Yeah, but you know what that means...right?”

He cringes.

“We’ll have to tell the others...” I say.

“Oh god, they’re gonna be fucking weird about it.”

“They’re fucking weird about everything,” I giggle.

Eventually we drag ourselves out of bed and Vic asks me nine million times if I’m sure I should go to school. I assure him that I feel fine and then he claims that I almost died yesterday, which isn’t accurate, and I tell him I’m fine again.

When we’re both dressed and have used the bathroom we go out to the kitchen. I feel self conscious cause I look pale and tired, but I guess that’s how I always look so Lucy probably won’t even notice.

“Morning,” Vic chirps to his cousin.

“Good morning Vic, morning Kellin. How are you feeling?”

I don’t know exactly what Vic told her so I keep it really simple.

“A lot better, thank you.”

“Good, do you boys want scrambled eggs?”

I’m just about to turn down her offer because I don’t want her to go out of her way for me, but Vic pipes up and tells her that we do. I shoot him a look and he rolls his eyes.

We sit at the table, side by side, and talk to the kids for awhile. The girls painted their nails last night and want to show us everything little detail that they added. They also think it’s hilarious when I tell them that I paint my nails sometimes. Then J.J. takes over the conversation and tells us about a show with monster trucks that he watched on YouTube. I only understand about twenty percent of it but I can tell that he’s very passionate about it.

“I’m gonna touch your thigh,” Vic murmurs to me.

I glance at Lucy who’s scooping our food onto plates. 

“But Lucy’s right there.”

“I guess she’ll be the first person we tell, is that okay?”

I know she’ll be sweet, so I push aside my anxiety and nod to him. The cutest smile makes its way onto his lips and he puts his hand on my thigh. At first it feels bad, like he’s holding me in place or something, but I take a couple deep breaths and remind myself that it’s just him. When I realize that it’s just Vic being affectionate and not my mom pinning me down, I feel a lot better.

Lucy brings our plates and sets them in front of us, her eyes bugging out a little when she notices where Vic’s hand is. Not that it’s an inappropriate place, it’s just not a friend zone place.

“Are you two...a thing?” She asks.

I glance at Vic and see his smile widen even further.

“Yeah, we’ve been dating for a little while now,” he says.

She smiles.

“That’s sweet, I’m happy for you guys. Just, no fooling around here, okay?”

I’m guessing she forgot about my phobia, but we both just agree instead of correcting her.

Since we stayed in bed so long we have to eat quickly and start walking to school. I really wish I had cigarettes with me but time goes by fast when I’m with Vic and before I know it we’re walking into the building. 

Instead of releasing our hands like usual, we keep them connected. It’s just our luck that Justin and Lzzy are hanging out at my locker when we get there.

“Um, woah, what’s this,” Lzzy asks, pointing at our hands.

“Those are hands,” Vic says simply.

“But how are they holding each other? Are you guys dating? How can Kellin touch you?” 

I blush and look around, trying to see if anyone is staring.

“Yeah, we are dating and um, we’ve been working on the touching thing,” I say, smiling at Vic.

“Oh my god! I’m a gay matchmaker!” Justin says way too loud.

“Shut the fuck up Justin, you’re really not,” Vic mutters.

“Fine, whatever you say Viccy, but I remember mentioning that you two should date one day not very long ago.”

He’s totally right and he kinda did push us in this direction, but we’re not gonna let him know that.

“I’ve gotta get to class,” I say, opening my locker and grabbing my things.

Before I leave I press a chaste kiss against Vic’s mouth and then smile at him.

“You can kiss?” I hear Lzzy shriek as I walk away.

I’m giddy all morning because Vic and I are dating and I can kinda touch him and some people know! Some people know that the sexy Mexican is my boyfriend!

When lunchtime comes I practically skip to the cafeteria. Lzzy, Nick, and Jack are already at the table. I sit down and wait for Vic because he’s bringing enough lunch for me too.

“Hey Kells,” Nick says around a bite of pizza.

“Hey,” I chirp.

Lzzy raises her eyebrows at me and kinda nods in the direction of our other friends. I shake my head no, telling her that they don’t know about Vic and I yet, but they’re about to. I spot him crossing the cafeteria with Justin in tow, laughing about something. He sits down next to me and grins.

“I’m gonna touch your thigh,” he says quietly.

I nod and feel his palm warming my skin through my jeans. I lean forward and kiss his cheek before we focus on our food. I take a bite of my grilled chicken sandwich and then look up to find Nick and Jack staring at us. I can’t help but laugh a little at their expressions. I nudge Vic and he looks up too, a mischievous grin appearing on his face.

“Staring is rude you guys,” he jokes.

“Can Kellin touch people now?” Nick asks, sounding very confused.

I shake my head.

“No, just Vic, cause we’re dating.”

“Well, it’s not quite that simple,” Vic says.

I nod and take another bite of my food.

“Can you guys fucking explain this a little more?” Jack says impatiently.

I giggle at his annoyance.

“Vic and I are dating so we’ve been working on trust and if he warns me that he’s gonna touch me, then he can. It’s not perfect, but it usually works.”

Everyone nods, seeming happy with the simplification.

“Why are you two not surprised?” Nick asks Liz and Justin.

“They told us earlier.”

They all start fighting about why we told some of them first and if we’re better friends with Liz than the others but it’s all in good fun and we mostly ignore them. 

I enjoy eating and feeling Vic’s hand travel up and down my thigh. I’m actually a little confused when I feel my dick getting hard cause this is not something I’m used to. Of course I get morning wood sometimes, but I’ve never been a person that gets horny randomly and of course no one has been able to turn me on before.

“Vic, baby you’ve gotta stop,” I whisper in his ear.

His hand is immediately off my thigh. 

“I’m so sorry, was I making you anxious? Are you alright?”

“It’s nothing like that, you’re just making me horny,” I murmur.

He blushes and smiles.

“Hey! No secrets just cause you’re dating!” Justin says.

I roll my eyes.

“Fine, I was just telling Vic that he was turning me on.”

I think everyone is surprised by my bluntness.

“Um, ew, alright, you can have secrets.” Justin mutters.

I laugh and everyone else goes back to their previous conversations.

“I can’t believe you just told them that,” Vic laughs.

“It needed to be done so that they stay out of our business.”

He nods and the bell rings.

“See you after classes to walk home?” He asks me.

I can’t help but grin at him as I nod. We lean forward and kiss before parting ways.

I can’t believe how good it feels to have a boyfriend. I know that our relationship won’t always be perfect, but it feels like it is right now and I’m going to let myself enjoy it.


	11. 11.

~Vic pov~  
Kellin and I have been dating for a few weeks now and I think it’s going really well. Since we’re together so often I have less time to get caught up in my thoughts and depress myself. I’ve even been cutting a lot less.

Of course I had considered what it would be like to date someone I could barely touch but it’s a lot harder than I expected. Sometimes I’ll get carried away rubbing his thigh or when we make out, which we can do now, and end up horny. 

That’s what is going to happen right now if I’m not careful. Kellin is sitting on my bed with me, our bodies a safe distance apart, lazily making out. I want to pull him close to me and feel every inch of his body and tangle my hands in his hair, but I should be happy that we can kiss at all. 

“Kells?” I say against his lips, causing him to break away from me and sit back.

“Hmm?”

“Could I...try...and you know? Get you off?”

A look of anxiety appears on his face.

“I um- well, I don’t...know. Who’s home right now?”

“No one, Lucy and Jake took the kids to the zoo.”

He sighs like maybe he was looking for a way out.

“We don’t have to-“ I start, seriously backpedaling cause I promised to never pressure him.

“No, no I want to. Just please go slow? I really don’t know if I can let you touch me... there.”

“Of course, I promise I’m just gonna touch your thighs and... and you know. Tell me if you want to stop, okay?”

He nods.

I lean forward and kiss him quickly on the lips before I kneel down. He stands up and I undo the button and zipper of his jeans before easing them down. When he’s just in his boxers I palm him and he flinches away.

“Hey, it’s just me,” I soothe.

He takes a shaky breath and surprisingly runs his fingers through my hair. I hook my fingers in the elastic of his underwear and pull them down, letting them rest around his thighs. I had felt that he’s hard, but I didn’t expect him to pretty much be fully erect.

“Sit down,” I murmur, pressing on his legs. 

He does as he’s told and sits on the edge of my bed. I notice that he has a bruise on one of his hip bones, but he probably just bumped it on something.

“I’m gonna touch you.”

He nods.

I reluctantly take his penis in my hand, stroking it slowly and not squeezing it too hard. I know that he doesn’t usually jerk off so I have no idea how this will be for him.

“O-oh,” he squeaks, resting his hand in my hair again.

“Is that okay?”

“Yeah, it feels good,” he whispers, his cheeks are bright red and I think it’s adorable.

I release him and spit on my hand before stroking him again, firmer and faster this time. He doesn’t make any sounds, but his breathing is getting deeper and his grip on my hair is tightening. 

The whole situation is really hot and I’m becoming extremely uncomfortable in my pants. I slide the waistband of my sweats and underwear down, letting my dick spring free which nearly makes me moan. I slowly tug myself and stroke Kellin at the same time.

“I’m gonna suck you,” I warn him.

“N-no! Please don’t.”

“Okay, sorry.”

“It’s fine.”

I continue touching both of us, pumping Kellin faster and faster until I see beads of precum appear at his tip.

“I’m close,” he pants, his hand dropping to my shoulder and gripping it tightly.

I move my hand faster, using the liquid from his tip to make everything glide easier and making sure to play with his slit.

“Mmm, oh, oh god, Vic!” He moans, his hips thrusting into my hand as he sprays cum onto my fist and his shirt. I continue touching him until he’s properly done and then I use my good hand to stroke myself faster. I’m so close and knowing that I’m kinda using Kellin’s cum as lube right now is really erotic. I squeeze my eyes shut and rest my forehead on his thigh as I lose it. I quickly milk the thick streams of sperm from myself, moaning quietly at the warm pleasure flowing through my body.

When I’ve come down from my high I look up at Kellin and see him smiling. He gets his clothes on properly and then lays back on the bed. I stand up and tuck myself away before laying next to him.

“Hand,” I say, taking his hand in mine and lacing our fingers together. “Was that okay?”

“Yeah, more than okay.”

We lay in silence and I play with his fingers.

“Tell me what you’re thinking about,” I say, feeling curious.

“Well, a few things. I can’t believe that we just did that...I really didn’t think I could.”

“You’re a lot stronger than you think.”

“Yeah, takes a lot of strength to let someone jerk you off,” he snorts.

“Hey! Don’t minimize it like that, you know what I mean. It was a big step for you.”

He shrugs it off.

“I was also thinking that it’s almost graduation and I’m glad I can actually graduate with you this year.”

“I’m happy about that too, it would have sucked to graduate and continue dating a high school boy.”

“Don’t word it like that! I would still be the same age as you!”

“But I’m still happy we got your grades up.”

“Me too.”

“Was that everything on your mind?”

“Well I’m gonna need to borrow a shirt before anyone comes home.”

I glance at the white liquid decorating his black shirt.

“I’ll grab you something.”

I sit up and find a shirt for him, tossing it his way. We clean up for a second and get rid of any incriminating evidence.

“Hey, are your dad and brother coming for graduation?” He asks.

“Yep, Mike texted and told me that they just booked tickets for a flight that weekend.”

“Are you excited to see them?”

“I’m definitely excited to see Mikey.”

“And your dad?”

“Um, a little less excited.”

I sigh and sit next to him on the bed. I gave him a long sleeved band tee that he looks fucking adorable in. We’re roughly the same size but the shirt is big on me so it flops down over his hands.

“I know that your dad was always really pushy about wanting you to play soccer and keep your grades up and stuff, but I thought you cleared all of that up?”

It’s really sweet that he pays attention to me. I hate it when you have to tell someone the same thing a hundred times cause they weren’t listening.

“That’s not what I’m worried about. Things were just weird between us when I left because he didn’t know how to talk about...all my... stuff, I had going on, and when he would ask about it he was really blunt. I don’t know, I’m just worried that he’s gonna show up after all this time and drill me for info, or completely ignore it...I’m not sure which would be worse.”

“All your stuff? Like the depression and cutting?”

I nod.

“Maybe he was weird about bringing it up because you are too.”

He looks nervous, like he’s worried he crossed a line by saying that.

“Maybe, I mean, I just feel so guilty and awkward. My dad didn’t need me to fuck myself up right after we lost mom.”

“I thought you said you started cutting before she died?”

“I did. Years before actually.”

“So it’s not like you just started as some attention seeking thing after your mom died, it’s a real addiction. You need to be more forgiving with yourself and more open about your problems. Or maybe not, I’m not someone you should probably take mental health advice from.”

I give him a funny look. I hate it when he undermines himself like that. It’s like he’s wired to tear himself down at every possible chance.

“I think it was good advice, why shouldn’t I take it?”

He laughs bitterly.

“Vic, in case you’ve forgotten, I don’t deal with mental problems at all, I just self medicate till I’m too numb to care.”

There’s the kicker. He’s so down on himself and his life. As far as I know it’s not too bad. His dad left and his mom is semi abusive, but he’s doing good in school and, at risk of sounding like an asshole, he’s got me. 

“You know you don’t have to do that, right? You’ve got me and all our other friends to reach out to when you feel depressed or anxious. There’s no need for so much drinking and stuff.”

He just shrugs.

I hear the back door open and little feet pattering into the house.

“We better go say hi,” I say, dropping the subject.

He nods.

A couple weeks later my brother and dad fly in. It’s almost like two worlds colliding when they arrive and are standing in Lucy’s kitchen. When I round the corner and see Mike, he runs toward me and nearly makes me fall over with a huge bear hug.

“Mikey! Careful!” I laugh.

“Sorry,” he backs away from me and looks me over while I do the same to him. 

Honestly he looks a little pale and skinnier than I remember, but it’s been awhile so I just brush it off.

“Hey dad,” I say quietly, walking into his arms and giving him a quick hug. 

We don’t have a bad relationship, it’s just complicated and awkward.

“Victor, how are you doing?”

“Really good,” I chirp, remembering what Kellin said about being more honest. “I um...I’ve been cutting a lot less.”

His eyes nearly bulge out of his head. Why does he have to make this such a big deal? I’m not doing something horrifically grotesque, it’s just a bunch of little cuts.

“I’m- I’m proud of you?” He says wearily.

I nod and he gives me a forced smile.

“I’m proud of you,” he says more definitely.

I blush a little and smile. I think Kellin needs to give himself more credit for his advice giving skills.

“So when do we get to meet your boyfriend?” Mike asks.

“Oh yeah, Kevin, right?” My dad asks.

“It’s Kellin, and I think he’s gonna be around tomorrow.” Today is a Friday and we don’t really have anything going on, graduation wise, until Sunday. I asked Kellin if he’d mind having dinner with us tomorrow and he accepted. “Mikey, all my friends desperately want to meet you so we’re supposed to meet them at the diner for lunch tomorrow.”

“That sounds cool,” he says.

I smile at him cause he’s always so laid back. It feels like my dad and I are tense around each other but Mike always makes me feel relaxed.

The rest of the evening goes smoothly but I’m really relieved when it’s over and I’m laying in bed. I hear my phone buzz on the side table and pick it up, knowing it’s probably Kellin.

Kellin: How was the first night with your fam?

Vic: Typing...  
Vic: I think it when good. I immediately mentioned my cutting and kinda cleared the air about that.

Kellin: I’m proud! How’s Mike?

Vic: He seems different than I remember, but good. It’s just been a really long time.

Kellin: Yeah, I’m glad it’s all going good so far. Walk together to the diner tomorrow?

Vic: Yes :) see you then xoxo

Kellin: xx

I shut off my phone and finally let my eyes rest, happy that I get to spend some time with all my favorite people tomorrow.

The next morning I sleep in and then have breakfast with everybody. Lucy and Jake help diffuse any tension between my dad and I, so before I know it Mike and I need to leave for the diner.

As we walk down the driveway Mike kicks a pebble with his shoe and sighs.

“Do you walk everywhere?” He asks, sounding kinda guilty.

“Pretty much, I borrow Lucy’s car sometimes.”

“Man that sucks, I’m sorry dad wouldn’t let you bring your car.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m sure you’re glad to have it.”

“I am, I just feel bad cause his reasoning was stupid. I mean, I know you wouldn’t like... get in a wreck on purpose or something fucked up like that.”

I smile at him.

“Thanks Mikey, it’s really fine though. Everything is close here.”

He nods and I hear the familiar sound of footsteps running up behind us.

“Vic! Fuck! Wait up!” Kellin says, panting as he reaches us.

Honestly, my boyfriend looks rough this morning and I can already tell he’s hungover. I try to ignore it as he leans in and gives me a quick peck on the lips. When I say he looks rough I don’t mean he isn’t still fucking adorable.

“Morning,” I chirp. “Kellin, this is my brother, Mike. Mikey, this is my boyfriend, Kellin.”

Kellin gives him a little wave as he takes a drag of his cigarette.

“Nice to meet you,” he says, blowing the smoke away from us.

“You too. Vic, you never mentioned that your boyfriend is a hooligan,” he says to me teasingly.

“Mike!” I yell, hitting his arm.

Kellin laughs, gripping my hand in his.

“Babe, he’s not wrong. I’m super fucking hungover and already on my fourth cigarette of the morning.”

“See?” Mike taunts me, grinning.

“That wasn’t very helpful,” I grumble.

We joke around for most of the walk and by the time we reach the diner I know we’re late. Sure enough, when we walk in the doors we see everyone else already sitting at our usual booth.

“Viccy!” Justin calls, per usual, making me roll my eyes.

“Viccy? Really?” Mike snorts.

“Ugh, no, pretty much only Justin calls me that. Come on.”

We walk over to the table and I sling an arm around my little brother’s shoulders, which is hard because he’s way taller than me. Don’t ask me how that happened.

“Mike, this is Lzzy, Jack, Justin, and Nick. Everyone, this is my little brother, Mike.”

Everyone greets him and the three of us sit down.

“Michael,” Justin starts and I already know that whatever he’s about to say is going to be ridiculous. 

“Yeah?”

“Please tell us all about Vic’s past embarrassments.”

I roll my eyes.

“Don’t,” I say simply.

“Oh come on! Just one couldn’t hurt,” Lzzy giggles.

“Okay okay,” Mike says.

Fuck my life.

“There was this one time when he was like, twelve or thirteen, where he was supposed to be the fucking star of the school recital.”

“Wait, why?” Kellin chirps.

“Cause he has a great voice,” Mike says.

Kellin whips his head around to me and gives me a surprised look.

“I didn’t know that,” he murmurs to me.

I shrug.

“Anyways,” Mike starts again. “So Viccy here is supposed to stand at the front and fucking sing a solo, and he got so nervous that he puked all over the stage!”

Everyone laughs and I shake my head, chuckling at the embarrassing memory. It was so long ago that I’m not bothered by it, but of course I wish everyone didn’t know.

The rest of lunch goes on like this, Mike embarrassing me and everyone else eating it up.

I almost lose track of time, but thankfully I glance up at the clock and realize that we need to get home for dinner with my dad.

“Hey, we’ve gotta get going for family dinner tonight.”

Everyone groans like I’m a parent telling them they have to go to bed.

“I can’t be late you guys! I gotta make a good first impression,” Kellin says.

“Yeah, sure, we should all get outta here,” Jack agrees.

We get up and leave a hefty tip for Valerie because we’re annoying as hell. Then we congregate outside and say our goodbyes. We’ll see each other at the graduation ceremony tomorrow, but afterwords everyone has there own parties and then Mike flies out in the evening.

As we walk home I hold Kellin’s hand and he smokes a couple cigarettes.

“Are you nervous to meet our dad?” Mike pipes up.

“Fuck yes I am,” he laughs. I can tell that he really is but he’s trying to play it off like it’s funny. 

“Oh come on, he’s not that bad. It’ll be fine.” I say, squeezing his hand.

“Are you sure about that, Viccy?” Mike teases.

“Don’t you dare start calling me that, and yes, everything will be fine with dad.”

He just nods slowly.

“Oh, I’m supposed to text Justin about something, could I have his number?” Mike asks.

“Sure, remind me and I’ll give it to you later.”

When we make it home Lucy is just finishing cooking dinner. The kids are watching a show and my dad and Jake are having beers in the kitchen.

“Hey,” I chirp, pulling Kellin through the door and into the room.

Everyone greets us and my dad’s eyes land on Kellin.

“Dad, this is my boyfriend, Kellin. Kells, this is my dad, Victor.”

My dad holds out a hand and I cringe.

“Oh no, I can’t- um...” Kellin looks horrified.

Why didn’t I warn my dad?

“Dad, he doesn’t like touching people,” I say quickly.

“Why?” He asks bluntly.

“Please don’t, he just doesn’t.”

“You didn’t tell me that,” Mike says, stealing a bite of something out of a pan on the stove.

“Didn’t really come up,” I mumble.

“But he’s touching you right now,” Mike says, making me feel like an idiot.

“We’ve worked on it a lot.”

Dad nods.

“It’s um, it’s nice to meet you Kellin.”

“You too sir.”

He smiles at that and doesn’t tell him to not call him that. Why does he have to be such an asshole?

Lucy announces that it’s time to eat, so we all dish up plates and sit at the table. Of course I sit next to Kellin and immediately tell him I’m gonna touch his thigh, rubbing it to calm him down.

“So Kellin, what college are you going to next year?” My dad asks.

Kellin glances at him and then focuses on his plate.

“I’m not really sure, I um...I struggled in school this year so I don’t have a solid plan.”

No no no, Kellin you should have lied to him. My dad is so pushy about having a plan, having a future, going to college, getting a good job.

“I’m sorry to hear that, you should work with a school counselor to get your future on track. It might not seem important right now, but it is. You’ve gotta get your plans laid out and you’ve gotta push through and make sure you accomplish them.”

“Yes sir, I should.”

I know that Kellin has already been stressing about being behind since he thought he wasn’t graduating, so this definitely isn’t helping.

“Mike, how’s school going for you?” Jake asks. I shoot him a thankful smile for getting the attention off my boyfriend.

“I wanted to drop out this year,” he grumbles.

“What?” I ask in disbelief.

“Oh yeah, tell them your great plan Mikey,” my dad laughs.

“It was a good plan! I’ve been practicing my drumming and I’ve gotten really good! So I was gonna drop out and join a band, but dad wouldn’t let me.”

“You left out the best part!” My dad exclaims. His smile is mean. “He was going to drop out with his boyfriend!”

“Your what?” I shriek, unable to believe my ears.

Mike is gay? Since when? He has a boyfriend?

“M-my boyfriend. Thanks for outing me, dad.”

My dad rolls his eyes.

This couldn’t be going worse.

“Who are you dating?” I ask.

Mike’s eyes widen and shoot towards my dad. It looks like he’s silently pleading him to not tell me. My dad isn’t paying attention to him though.

“That uh, that kid that used to be around, with the face piercing?”

“Tony?” I ask in disbelief.

Mike refuses to look at me.

“You’re fucking dating my ex?”

“Vic! Language!” Lucy scolds me, looking over at the kids table.

“Sorry, just- how did that happen?”

Mike glances at everyone, seeming like he doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m not letting him off the hook though, he needs to defend himself.

“It just- it just happened! You left and he was lonely and it just snowballed!”

“Did you only break up with him cause you were leaving?” Kellin murmurs.

Fuck.

“No, I mean, kinda. I don’t know.”

He frowns. That would suck, I mean, it’s not like anything was wrong with my and Tony’s relationship and that has to worry Kellin. I guess not anymore though because he’s moved on to my fucking brother.

“Let’s just drop it,” Lucy says, obviously trying to gain control over the situation.

I nod and Mike mumbles something I don’t catch.

The rest of dinner is quiet except for the adults talking about things like weather and the news. When we’re done eating Kellin makes an excuse about homework, probably not realizing that we’re done with school, and leaves without giving me a kiss.

I go to my room, ignoring the fact that it’s rude because my whole family is still out there. I feel drained and upset. Not really because Mike and Tony are dating but more because Kellin and I are fighting. Of course we bicker sometimes but it’s never like this. He never leaves upset.

I’m just laying there, looking at my ceiling when there’s a tap on my door. I don’t say anything but Mike comes in anyways. He’s never cared about knocking, it’s just a formality.

“Hey,” he says, shutting the door behind him and sitting on the floor. 

“What?”

“Ouch, are you pissed at me?”

I sigh.

“N-no, I’m not. It’s just weird! And now Kellin is mad at me.”

“I know it’s weird. Like I said, you left and Tony kept hanging around cause he was lonely, so we started watching all the Star Wars movies together and one thing led to another...”

“He loves Star Wars.”

“I know.”

“I’m happy for you Mike. He’s a great guy and I want you to be in a good relationship, but you’ve gotta understand where I’m coming from.”

“I do, I really do. I’ve been so worried about you finding out because I thought you would make us break up or something.”

“I’m not gonna do that. I have Kellin now, I’m not like, jealous or anything.”

“That’s really cool of you.”

I nod, still not moving.

“You gonna be okay? I bet if you explain everything to Kellin that he’ll understand. I think he really likes you.”

I feel my eyes tear up because I so desperately don’t want to lose him.

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine. It’ll work itself out.”

“Okay, get some sleep.”

“Night Mikey.”

“Night Viccy.”

“Fuck off.”

He laughs and I hear my door click shut.

I lay there just thinking for an hour. I don’t get ready for bed, I don’t let my eyes rest, I just think.

Tony moved on from me so quickly which isn’t surprising because I’m a mess. He was probably always wanting to date Mike because he doesn’t have so much baggage. Everyone wants the Fuentes boy that doesn’t constantly destroy himself. 

Kellin is the next thing I obsess over. I know that we’re gonna clear everything up but I can’t help but wonder what would happen if we didn’t. Would he still stay off drugs? Would I go back to cutting all the time? Oh god, cutting. 

I glance at the drawer where my blade is hidden. Nobody has ever tried to take it from me, which I’m kinda regretting right now. I haven’t cut for two weeks and my wrists are literally burning with the need. I’m so frustrated and depressed that I don’t even care. Fuck being clean. Fuck recovery. It’s not like I’m gonna kill myself or anything so what the fuck is wrong with a few little cuts? Kellin drinks to help his mental pain, why can’t I have this? 

The thought of my boyfriend makes me put on the brakes. He’s constantly telling me that I should call him if I’m ever triggered. He’s scared that I’m going to cut too deep and do something I regret, even if it’s an accident. 

I sit up and dig through my pockets before realizing that my phone fell on the floor. I hit Kellin’s contact and listen to it ring. I’m a little concerned he won’t answer but he does after a few seconds.

“Hi honey,” he says quietly.

The nickname is a good sign.

“Hey,” I reply, my voice shaking.

“Are you okay?”

I choke on a sob and sniffle a little.

“N-no, I want to cut.”

“Okay, hey, it’s fine. I’m really glad you called.”

“I just feel so overwhelmed and I hate it when you’re mad at me. No-not that you didn’t have the right to be mad, but I hate it!”

“I hate it when we fight too. I’m not really mad, I was just surprised because I thought that you and Tony dated awhile ago and broke up cause it wasn’t working out. It’s a little worrying to know that nothing went wrong in your relationship and you only ended it cause you were moving away.”

That makes perfect sense. He’s probably worried that if I move back to San Diego that I’ll just take Tony back. Of course that couldn’t happen though because I guess he’s taken...by my little brother...fuck.

“Tony and I were never gonna work. He um, he’s bipolar and when one of us got depressed it like, triggered the other. I was still with him because he was sweet and comfortable. You know?”

“Yeah, that makes sense. Thanks for explaining it to me. We can’t be that couple that ruins our relationship over something stupid.”

I laugh a little, feeling relieved that we aren’t fighting.

“Thanks for being understanding.”

There’s some noise on his end.

“Oh, um, Vic, I gotta go. Are you gonna be okay?” He’s rushing and sounds a little panicked.

“I’ll be fine, are you alright?”

“Yep, all good, see you tomorrow.”

The line goes dead and I actually feel worried about him. Was it his mom? Is he okay? 

I take deep breaths and think rationally. There’s was no yelling or anything and I think if he was in serious trouble he would have told me. He knows that he can come to my place if he needs and I’ll see him in the morning.

My phone buzzes and I check it immediately, hoping it’s Kellin.

Justin: Not to be a rat, but did you know your brother does cocaine?


	12. 12.

~kellin pov~  
I tried really hard to not drink before graduation, but tonight has been really rough. I just barely got off the phone with Vic before my Mom needed me.

I feel guilty because over the course of our relationship Vic has been working really hard to self harm less, but I still drink nearly every day. I know it bothers him but he doesn’t realize that just because we’re dating my home life isn’t magically better. My mom is still... physical... with me constantly so I still need all of my calming substances. I still need to self medicate and forget, no matter how wonderful my boyfriend is.

I pull the bottle of whiskey out from under my bed and break the seal. I’ve been saving this one for a special occasion cause whiskey generally goes down easier than vodka.

The next thing I know my alarm is going off and it’s the morning of my graduation ceremony. My head hurts, I’m nauseous, and I’m actually pretty depressed since I know I’ll have zero family there. 

I force myself out of bed and into the shower. The skin on my stomach and thighs is destroyed, so dry and cracked that it hurts when I get under the water. A few tears slip down my face but I ignore them and finish washing up.

I’m not sure what to wear since we have those ridiculous robe things, so I get out black jeans and a white button down. I go to the effort to fix my hair and even find some cologne. After digging through my mom’s stuff I find a little concealer and dab it under my eyes, erasing the dark circles for a day.

When I’m ready I pocket my phone and a pack of cigarettes. I think I’m going to walk over to Vic’s first because I don’t need to be at the school yet and I don’t want to be alone.

Kellin: Can I come over?

Vic: Sure

I’m a little surprised by his short reply, but I tell myself he’s just busy instead of worrying over it.

I smoke the entire way to his house, even waiting outside to finish my third cigarette before I knock on the back door. Mike answers and raises one of his eyebrows.

“You still knock when you come over?”

“Um, yeah? I guess.”

He steps aside and lets me in. I say good morning to everyone in the kitchen and then go back to Vic’s room. I tap on the door and wait for him to answer before I open it.

“Morning, happy graduation day,” I say.

“Hey, thanks. You too.” He replies, not getting up from his bed.

“What’s wrong?”

He’s half dressed in a suit and his hair is still a mess. If I had to guess I would say he didn’t sleep last night. I sit beside him and put my hand on his thigh, gently rubbing my thumb back and forth.

“Justin texted me last night,” he chokes out.

“Okay, why?”

“Mike had texted him asking where he could get coke around here.”

“Cocaine?” I ask, shocked. 

Vic nods.

Sure I’ve done coke before but it’s not something to mess around with. If Mike can’t go one weekend without it then he’s in deep.

“What’d Justin do?”

“I guess he told him that we don’t have any good dealers.”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah, and now this morning I was watching him and he’s all jittery and he’s so skinny. I should have known something was wrong!”

He looks like he’s close to tears.

“Hey, don’t do that to yourself. You’ve been all the way across the country, how could you have known?”

He sniffles and wipes his eyes.

“You’re right, I know. I just feel like I need to do something.”

“You’re his older brother, of course you want to help. How about you just try to forget about it until after graduation? A few hours isn’t gonna hurt anything.”

He nods and stands up.

“Yeah, okay. I can do that.”

I keep him company while he finishes getting ready and then we all eat breakfast and pile into cars to go to the school.

The ceremony goes off without a hitch and I can’t believe how nice it feels to see all of our friends and Vic and all of his family cheering for me when I accept my diploma. I had always pictured my graduation being a sad day that just made me depressed about not having family, but that’s not how it is at all.

After the ceremony there’s a party at Vic’s house, but it’s mostly just his family. We eat barbecue and cake and our friends show up after their parties end. Overall it’s a really good day, especially if you consider how it started.

I can’t help but notice that Vic and his dad disappear at one point and neither come back looking very happy. They must’ve talked about Mike.

“Alright Mike, get your bags, we’ve gotta get to the airport,” Victor says.

Mike groans and goes off down the hall toward the guest bedroom.

Vic comes over to me, a deep frown set on his lips.

“Hand,” he murmurs, taking my hand in his.

“Did you tell your dad?”

He nods.

“I think I might have to go home for awhile,” he says.

“Like, now?”

“No, in a couple days.”

I feel my heart sink. Here it is, the thing that will end the one good relationship I’ve ever had.

I just nod.

“Can we go to the park once everyone leaves?” He asks.

“Yeah, I’d like to talk.”

“Me too.”

I try not to drive myself crazy but I can’t stop wondering if he’s gonna break up with me. Maybe he’s gonna leave and not come back. That would be fine, it would make me happy to see him get to go home with his family, even if it would destroy me to be left behind.

As soon as everyone leaves, Vic and I change into comfortable clothes and grab a blanket, telling Lucy we won’t be gone for long.

We walk quietly, hand in hand to our spot in the woods at the park. I smoke a cigarette because I suddenly feel super depressed. This day has been a fucking rollercoaster.

Vic spreads out the blanket when we arrive and he sits down, crossing his legs. I lay down and rest my head in his lap.

“I’m gonna touch your hair,” he says.

“Okay.”

He softly strokes a few strands away from my face and then continues running his fingers through the long part.

“I was planning on staying this summer,” he says.

“I know, but if Mike needs you then you should go. You could always come back once he gets back on his feet.”

“Yeah, I’d definitely come back, I promise. I just feel like he needs  
some... gentler... guidance than my dad can give him.”

“That makes sense.”

“I just dread leaving you and I really fucking dread going back to San Diego.”

“Why?”

He sighs.

“Everyone in the area knows about my mom and the house...the house has a million reminders of her.”

“You guys didn’t move?”

He shakes his head, his fingers still running over my head. In a different situation I might fall asleep from how calming the action is.

“My dad couldn’t stand to move because he and my mom had the house custom built.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry. That has to be so hard.”

“I mean, I’ll deal with it. I just like it here where I can kinda forget about her sometimes... Is that bad?”

“No, not at all. I just can’t imagine what it would be like to feel that close with your mom.”

“Yeah, she was always there for us. She was always helping us with homework and cooking us food. When I’m home it feels like she should still be there, but she isn’t.”

I don’t even think about what I ask next because I don’t think it’s a big deal.

“Vic, did your mom ever... touch you?”

“What do you mean? Of course she did.”

I sigh with relief because this means that everything my mom does to me is okay. It’s normal and Vic’s mom did it too. So why does it bother me so much?

“Nothing, I just thought maybe it was different since your dad was still around.”

His eyebrows scrunch together.

“What would my dad have to do with it?”

“My mom always says that since my dad left it’s my job to let her touch me.”

Vic’s fingers stop.

“Wait, no. You mean touch you like- like everywhere?”

I give a little shrug.

“Kellin, does your mom rape you?”

I shoot up and look at him face to face.

“What? N-no. Of course not.”

“You just said that your mom touches you because your dad couldn’t. Does she make you have sex with her?”

Yes, yes she does.

“No, no no no, it’s not like that. It’s normal, it’s my job now.”

Tears are gathering in my eyes and I’m feeling a little hysterical. Vic is still looking at me with huge eyes and I’m getting the impression that it’s not normal. That’s why it feels so wrong and why I have to scrub my skin off afterwords to feel clean. That’s why I constantly drink to forget what it feels like to be with her. Because it’s wrong.

“That’s not normal!” He says.

A sob escapes my mouth and I bury my face in my hands, tears falling freely now.

“Fuck, I’m sorry, that wasn’t helpful. I just, I can’t believe this Kellin, why didn’t you ever say something?”

“Because I didn’t know, Vic! This has been my life ever since my dad left, I didn’t fucking know it’s wrong!” I cry.

“Is that why no one can touch you? How often does she force you?”

“It- it doesn’t matter.”

I scramble to my feet and wrap my arms around myself.

“I think I need to leave,” I say, my sobbing making it hard to talk.

“No, Kellin, come back! I want to help you!”

I start walking away as fast as I can, finally breaking into a run.

He can’t help me. No one can help me.

I race home and lock the door behind me, my phone is ringing and Vic’s picture is lighting up the screen so I throw it across the room, watching it shatter and die before my eyes.

I go up to my room and lay on the bed, sobs racking my body so hard that it feels like I can’t breathe.

I’m not paying any attention to my surroundings until my mom appears beside me. She sits on the bed and wraps me in her arms. It feels bad and confusing, but I let her hold me until I run out of tears. My breathing evens out and she kisses the top of my head. I feel myself falling asleep against her shoulder until she kisses my cheek and then beside my mouth and down my jaw.

“Mom, please don’t,” I beg, my voice only escaping as a whisper.

“Just shut up, I need this.”

“No, no mom, I don’t want to. We can’t do this!” I say, my pleading steadily growing louder.

“I said shut the fuck up! You don’t decide when we can do this, I do!” She yells.

I try to break out of her grasp but she’s holding my arms tight. She repositions herself so that she’s on top of me, holding my wrists down so hard that I’m sure I’m gonna have bruises. She digs one of her knees into my stomach and I cry out in pain. Not only is she putting too much weight on me, she’s breaking open all of the tender wounds on my torso.

In a last ditch effort I try to get up and shove her off of me. But she’s too strong and she easily keeps me down. I scratch at her arms, desperately trying to make her stop. 

The last thing I remember is her grabbing the partially full bottle of whiskey from my side table and smashing it over my head.

Everything is black. I don’t dream but I can hear voices. One of them is a woman crying and then there are all kinds of sounds and I completely lose consciousness. I think I come back around a little because I hear a boy’s voice. It’s so familiar but I can’t place it. He must be close to me because I can almost make out what he’s saying, but the effort is too much and soon everything disappears again.

When my eyes flutter open the first thing I’m met with is bright white. I quickly squeeze my eyelids closed again and bring a hand to my face. My head hurts and I’m nauseous, am I hungover?

“Kellin?” Someone says. 

I can’t force my eyes to open again, but I hum. A hand squeezes mine.

I must fall back asleep because when I wake up the hand is gone. I open my eyes and let them adjust to the blinding white this time. I look around and realize that I’m not just hungover in my room. I’m in the hospital.

“Hey, Kellin? Are you awake?” I look to my left side and see Vic. That was the voice I heard. Of course it was my boyfriend, how did I not recognize it?

“Yeah,” I croak, my throat feeling like a fucking desert.

“Are you thirsty?”

I nod and rub my eyes, trying to block some of the light from my sensitive eyes.

Vic helps me take a drink from a small paper cup and then he sits in the chair by my bed again.

“What happened?” I ask.

He takes my hand again and squeezes it firmly.

“Do you uh... do you remember being at the park with me?”

I think really hard. I can remember graduation, then walking to the park and letting Vic play with my hair.

“Oh fuck,” I whisper, my eyes filling with tears when I remember what we talked about.

“So you do?”

I nod.

“I was really worried after you left, so I came by your house to check on you.”

I’m desperately trying to figure out what he hasn’t told me. I remember my mom holding me but then I’m pretty sure I fell asleep. Didn’t I?

“I found you up in your room. Your mom had knocked you unconscious and she was uh, she... was raping you.”

I start crying and see tears falling down Vic’s face too.

“I’m so sorry, Kellin.”

I shake my head and then wince, regretting the action.

“Careful, you have a concussion.”

I wipe the tears off my cheeks but they’re quickly replaced with more.

“What did you do?” I ask, wondering if I have to go home after this.

“I called the cops. I made your mom stay in your room and I called the cops. They arrested her and have plenty of evidence of repeated sexual assault.”

“So she’s going to prison?”

He nods. He’s no longer crying which makes me feel a little stronger.

“What’s gonna happen to me?”

“Don’t worry about that right now, just rest and we’ll work it all out. Okay?”

I nod and feel my eyelids getting heavy again. I don’t want to sleep, I want to spend time with Vic and I want a cigarette, but I lose the battle and everything goes dark.

I don’t know how long I sleep this time, but when I wake up I hear multiple voices. The room isn’t quite as bright because it’s dark outside so only the lights are blinding me. I blink a few times and look around. Lucy and Jake are sitting close together on the small couch and Vic is still in the chair by my bed.

“Hey, morning buddy,” Jake says when he notices that I’m awake.

Vic’s gaze snaps to my face and he smiles.

“Hey, how do you feel?”

I try to sit up but fail miserably when I realize my head hurts too bad.

“I’ve felt better.”

He gives me a sad look and takes my hand in his.

“The doctors say you just have to stay one night and then you’re free to go, so that’s good news at least,” Lucy chirps.

That is good news because I hate being trapped in here. All the good parts of my life revolve around freedom and it makes me panicky you have that taken away.

“Can I stay with you guys for awhile?” I ask, feeling a blush take over my cheeks.

“Of course Kellin, you’re welcome too,” Lucy says, her expression oozing sympathy.

“I just don’t wanna go back to the house.”

“You uh, you can’t. They’re gonna bring us your stuff but the house is being foreclosed on,” Jake says.

“Oh. Where am I supposed to go?”

“Since you’re eighteen you can go anywhere you want. By the way, why didn’t you tell me your birthday was last month?” Vic asks.

I shrug.

“I’ve never celebrated it before so I didn’t mention it.”

He frowns.

“You’re gonna have the best fucking birthday ever next year,” he says seriously.

I smile at him.

“Vic is right, you can go wherever you want once you’re feeling better. College would be a smart decision, maybe get a dorm or an apartment.” Jake says.

“I don’t really know if I want to go to college yet. I’ve been thinking about taking a year off from school.”

“That’s fine but I’m- I’m leaving for San Diego tomorrow,” Vic says, sounding really guilty.

I try not to frown because I don’t want him to feel bad.

“It’s okay Vic, I know Mike needs you.”

He nods.

The rest of the evening feels long. Some of our friends show up with food from the diner which is a blessing because the hospital food is awful, and Vic is by my side the whole time. I keep thinking that he probably needs to pack and get ready for his flight, but I’m selfish and I don’t want him to leave me.

Eventually I fall asleep and when I wake up everyone is gone. I nearly cry when I realize that I’m alone in this shitty hospital room. There’s a note on the table by my bed that I already know is from my boyfriend.

Kellin,  
I feel really terrible for leaving but Lucy says I have to get ready for my flight and I don’t want to bother you while you rest.

They’re gonna bring you home today and take care of you, I promise they’ll do a good job. I wish I could do it, but Mikey needs me.

I’m coming back as soon as possible but I’m going to miss you more than any words can describe. I promise to call all the time.

Just, take care of yourself, alright? Get plenty of sleep, try not to drink or smoke too much.

I love you,   
-Viccy

I laugh when I reach his nickname scrawled at the bottom. It’s ridiculous to cry over this, but I am, I’m sobbing like a baby. He’s going to come back and we’re still together, but I want him now. I want him to hold me while I come to terms with what’s happened to me and I want him to help guide me through my new life. 

Eventually I push all of those thoughts out of my mind because they’re ridiculous. He’s leaving for awhile but he’ll be back. End of story.

Lucy and Jake show up with some clothes for me and I take a shower and get dressed. I nearly vomit when I see myself in the mirror. I look sickly and I have bruises on my wrists and abdomen. The water in the shower burns the oozing wounds on my stomach and thighs, but I ignore it like I always have.

“Ready to go?” Lucy asks when I’m clean and dressed. 

They brought me Vic’s clothes which makes me happy cause they smell like him, but it also adds to my pain of missing him.

I nod.

We go to the front desk and sign some papers before they give us prescriptions for painkillers and tell me I’m free to go.

They try to talk to me on the drive to their house, but I just feel depressed. I give them as good of answers as I can because I don’t want to seem like an ungrateful asshole or a moody teen, but I can’t help how I’m feeling.

“Oh my god, Vic’s flight was just delayed again.” Lucy says to Jake.

“He hasn’t left yet?” I squeak.

“No, he was supposed to fly out an hour ago but it keeps getting delayed.”

We pull up to the house and they show me inside where I’ll be staying in Vic’s room.

I can’t do this. 

Every single thing in this room makes me think of him. He left papers in neat stacks on his desk because he’s always organized and the whole room smells like him. He uses this one cologne sometimes that just smells like him now, I’m not even sure what the scent would be considered, it’s just...Vic.

“I know you don’t have any of your stuff yet, but they said we can go get it from your house tomorrow,” Lucy says.

I nod slowly.

This isn’t right.

I’m not supposed to be here.

All of a sudden I feel this pull towards somewhere else... someone else.

I turn to Lucy, suddenly feeling brave and like for once in my life, I know what to do.

“Lucy, I need a ride to the airport.”


	13. 13. (Finish)

~Vic~  
I’m not sure if I can stand one more fucking minute in this airport. I’m supposed to be helping people right now! Kellin is in the fucking hospital coming to terms with the fact that his mom has been sexually abusing him for years, and Mike is in San Diego fighting a drug addiction. Am I helping either of them? No. I’m stuck in a fucking airport.

I feel wrong leaving my boyfriend when he desperately needs me, but Mike sounded so relieved when I offered to come home for awhile.

“Flight 186 is ready for departure, boarding will begin shortly,” a voice over the loud speaker says.

Thank god.

I stand up and start gathering my bags.

I feel this pull towards home, towards Kellin, but I know I can’t follow it, not right now at least.

I sling my messenger bag over my shoulder and grab my duffle, heading toward the line forming for the gate.

When I reach the lady scanning the tickets she takes mine and looks it over. The machine makes a beep and she hands it back to me.

“Thank you,” I murmur.

She smiles back and I walk through the jetbridge before finding my seat.

While I gaze out the window I ponder what Kellin is doing. Is he home? Are they putting him in my room or in the smaller guest bedroom? Is he anxious or depressed? How much has he smoked today? Maybe he’s still in the hospital cause they found something really wrong with him.

I take a deep breath and try to calm down. I’ll text him when I land.

“Is this seat taken?” A voice asks from the isle. 

I almost groan because I didn’t want someone to sit by me, but when I look up it’s Kellin.

A smile breaks out on my face and I stand up, nearly hitting my head on the low ceilings.

“What are you doing here?” I ask, feeling tears pricking my eyes.

“I thought I might go somewhere warmer for the summer before I go to college,” he says with a shrug.

“Can I hug you?”

He nods.

I wrap him in my arms and carefully squeeze him, loving how it feels to hold him again. 

“We’d better sit down,” he squeaks.

I give him one last squeeze before I let him go and we sit down.

“Is it okay that I’m coming with you?” He asks nervously.

I nearly roll my eyes at that ridiculous question.

“Of course it’s okay, I was already worried sick about you and I just saw you a few hours ago.”

He flushes pink and it’s fucking adorable.

“I got to your house and everything felt wrong. I didn’t want to be in this town anymore and I didn’t want to be anywhere without you.”

“Hand,” I say, taking his hand in mine. “It was killing me to leave you behind, knowing how much you’re going through, but I know Mike needs me too.”

“Well now you don’t have to choose.”

I can’t stop smiling. This couldn’t be more perfect. Of course when you think that you start remembering all the reasons it’s a bad idea.

“Wait, don’t you have stuff here and like, stuff with your mom?”

He cringes and I regret bringing it up.

“They’re gonna mail me everything I need once they empty my house and I will have to go back to testify in court, but I don’t care. It’ll all work itself out.”

I can’t help but agree with him.

When I think of my life last fall and what a mess I was, constantly depressed and lonely and cutting, compared to now, I know that Kellin is the real reason I’m doing better. It definitely helped to have a change of scenery and to make a bunch of awesome, new friends, but Kellin got me to open up and care about someone again. He made me care about myself too.

He rests his head on my shoulder after we take off and we both watch the sky outside of the window.

“Can you believe that such bad things brought us together?” He sighs.

“What do you mean?”

“If your mom hadn’t died then you would never have moved to Michigan, and if my mom wasn’t abusive then I probably would have already been dating someone else.”

“Well if you look at it that way then I guess it was really our moms that brought us together.”

“I’m happy to go through anything if it means being with you,” he says quietly.

“Me too.”

At that moment I look out at the sky that looks slightly like heaven, and I thank my mom for leading me to this beautiful boy.


End file.
